fear

I see her status
My heart caves in
I can't do this again and again
I thought I let go
Guess I never will

The pain is skin deep
but pierces my inner being
My heart cries out the sorrow from before
for fear of it happening once more

Holiday Fever

My new nickname is scrooge. Ba Humbug. Yes, this Christmas season I am finding it difficult to muster up the Holiday Cheer. It's not that I am not getting the things I wanted but that I AM getting the things I want. Simplicity seems so desirable currently - looking around and seeing how much we all have yet how we don't take care of it because something newer and better will come along and will soon replace it. The Christmas Rituals are empty, no longer satisfying. The big feast, the opening of gifts. What's the meaning and purpose behind it? It's not all bad I realize but there is a greater and deeper meaning to this Holiday that many Christians often kept on the back burner. Christmas is more then the celebration of Christ's birth but the start of God's plan to bring the elect to Him, for us to have closeness - relationship. So that we can be saved from Hell an eternity of seperation. So in all honesty it's not the holiday itself that I dislike - it's what it has become and what it has been for hundreds of years.

Joyishness

How can I lose focus so easily? My prize is in Heaven yet I live like my prize is here on Earth. I live most days lukewarm tossing God the left overs. Lately I have had a problem with joy - not a person and not the feeling of emotion but the state of being. A friend told me recently;

"although happiness is great, it doesn't matter. joy is what matters. and having joy in the midst of whatever life throws at us is hard, but with Christ it is always possible."

1 Peter 1: 6-7 says: "In this you greatly rejoice though now for a while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

James 1:2-4 says: "Consider is pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Of course things are going to be tough. Being a Christian doesn't make all situations peachy. But being in Christ, trusting in His promises and resting in His care should give me a joy that is so deep and pure that nothing can distinguish it.

O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.

~ A.W. Tozer in the Pursuit of God

Sound of Music

Have you ever listened to a song at least a hundred times and on that one hundred and first time the meaning totally hits you, that you find yourself hanging on every word. A week ago Sunday it was the song: Hungry (falling on my knees) by Joy Williams, this past week it was Spoken For by MercyMe.

I have been so overwhelmed lately with school and basketball and I think it's mostly because I am so unorganized that I can't focus and prioritize my life and duties in such a mannor that I can truely get anything accomplished. I am definately my worst critic too, which doesn't help.

I lead on that everything is fine, when I truly don't remember the last time I was genuinely happy for longer than a couple hours. I don't sleep at night, because I keep thinking about all the things I didn't get done that day and the things I need to do the next. My neck is so stiff because that is where I carry all my stress; in my neck and shoulders. Mom is so worried that she thinks I need to go to a counselor or a shrink to talk about my life, since I don't talk to anyone else. I don't talk because no one listens, no one understands because no one knows. It's not just school that's bothering me - infact if anything that's the least of my worries, I just amplify it to thrawt issues going on in my personal life, with my friends and family.

I'm finding that inspite of all this, all the crap that happens in the day, all the stress, tasks left unfinished, arguments with mom, what have you - if I recenter myself around the Cross of Christ: I'm home. I enter a place where everything around me blurs and slows down. Where I find rest and comfort and peace and joy. All that really matters in life is God, telling others of the Good News and living life for the Glory of God in everything I do.

falling

Held so high
I touch the sky with all the boasting
My heart’s grown heavy
The praise now empty
The ground beneath my feet is shaking
I fall
The sting of hard ground is reality
Hits me harder as I hit it
I shatter and break
The appraisers scoff saying I let them down
But their bar was too high
Unbalanced I stood
Till I could stand no longer
I stand no longer before them
For they are my counsel no more

On the light side

So today i was sharing some words with my coach and he said that my blogs were "too deep" for him. My appologies. So here's something a little lighter. You may laugh, shake your head, even have the urge to thwap me on the forehead, please do "gently" :)

As a child do you recall hiding from the world under the kitchen table with scissors in hand about to face the doom of being bald as a reprecussion from cutting a large sum of hair from your head? Ah, yes we all do, don't be embarressed. Well I was that child, who was scared to face her parents with an uneven hair do, thus i chopped holes in my socks. That however still resulted in a spanking and groundation. :(

Today tho, I reentered that time. Yes, I succombed to that 6 year old self. Sadly I could not obtain the traditions for squatting under the kitchen tabel - simply because my stature would have made this task rediculously unattainable.

So there I stood infront of the mirror, scissors in hand, contemplating the hack job that I was about to step into. Now it was only my bangs, and just a trim but boy oh boy there is a reason that I pay someone the big bucks to do this for me :)

Currently I am speculating the many reasons/excuses to tell my parents.
1. I find it rediculous to pay any amount of money for a simple bang trim
2. It's just hair, it will grow back
3. (specifically for my dad) Just tryin to get rid of some of the black
4. This is why God invented bobby-pins and Hats
5. At lease it's not my whole head
....that's all i got

help a sista out?

Attention!

FYI: It's hard talking to the guy you like when all he talks about is how gorgeous this other girl is.

the LOvE of my life!

Her name is Naa Lamely. Her name is Isabella Quarcopome. She's 7 years old. I've only seen her in pictures, talked to her on paper. But I have wept over her, I have been overjoyed by her, I have been encouraged and heartbroken. If there was ever such a word to sum up all my emotions; it would be Love. I have never loved someone so hard before, so complete. All of her letters are pinned to my walls. My heart hurts because I can't wipe her tears, calm her fears, play with her, share in her excitement. I often contemplate why I was born into such a place where I have more than I need, yet not everything I want. I am I able to walk out my front door and feel safe walking across town, why can't she feel that way to? Late last spring I made the descision to celebrate my birthday but not with gifts but celebrating my life, my health, my accomplishments, my failures with my family. Yes, we still had cake and a special dinner but I didn't get gifts, except a check for what my parents would have spent on gifts made out of Compassion for Isabella's family. My needs for daily living are taken care of, I have water and clean at that. I have clothes (too many). I have food and plenty of it in the cupboards and fridge but let it go to waste because I prefer something else. She brings so much humility to my life. Whenever I get too proud or when my focus is off, she centers me. God has used her as such a blessing in my life. I just hope that one day I will get to see her face to face, I eagerly await.

Fake wanting to be Real

Hypocrisy - we all have it. We all say one thing and do the opposite or don't do it at all.

I'm in the process of "cleaning house" - not only physically but spiritually, mentally. I'm attempting to keep my room and bathroom clean by making sure everything has its proper place and if there is no place I will either make one or simply rid myself from it.

A few years ago most people would probably consider me a nun because I simply did not listen to anything but Christian music. I didn't watch tv (still don't). and I never cursed. Present day?? I listen to songs that aren't demeaning of people (except for Your So Gay : katy perry) but definately listen to secular music. I also have grown acustom to droppin the F bomb and such things. I have completely lost all my convictions and I'm not proud of that because it's taken a serious toll on my relationship with God.

Sure I can place blame on being public schooled and my parents swearing in the home but that doesn't justify my actions and my choices. That's kinda like saying, "A man is having an affair" when really that man, is commiting Adultry. It's just sugar coating it.

So to clean this area up is to put off my swearing and to put on righteousness in the form of Scripture memorization:

• Matthew 15: 8 "These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me."
• Matthew 15: 11 "What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean.'"
• James 3: 6-10 "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can ame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise out Lord and Father, and with it we curese men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be."

This isn't going to be easy but I have friends who are holding me accountable. :D

I just feel like I am called to be more in life. I can't keep skimming the serface. It's like what Coach Bin said a few weeks ago, that we can't win a championship by doing the bare minimum and hoping others will pick up the slack for us. No, I have to do everything at a 100% a hundred percent of the time. Always striving to do better, be better. Which gives me incentive to work out, control my tongue, keep my room cleaned and pass my classes. I have been a slacker long enough, now it's time to be proactive!

YAY for self peptalks! :D

XOXO

from the inside out.

My life is as disorganized as my room
nothing in order or having proper place
everything feels cluttered
its getting up under my skin
its never ending just building and building
suffocating my patience
i feel so disoriented so lost and alone
i can't even find Jesus
because i am back on the thrown
nothing feels right nothing feels real
except for the pain in my chest
that is telling me i'm alive and saying "I'm here"
I know that voice, its the Lord my God
he wants everything my fear my pride
layed down before him
He'll clean up my life
Selfishly I say "No, I'm fine on my own"
It was prideful independence that nailed him to that tree
I might as well have a hammer in hand and a smile on my face
I'm torn in two at war in my heart
I'm the the battle - to sin I have lost
With my words actions attitude and thoughts
It all comes at a cost
But the price has been paid
Some two thousand years ago
Not a cash compensation, not an exchange of material things
just the life layed down, a sacrifice by God's own son.
When I look at that cross and the man I nailed to it
I remember my place amidst this cluddered space.
I will prioritize my life with God first
Do all for His Glory because it's what he asks.
I'm sorry Lord for leaving you behind
I got wrapped up in my selfish pride
Thinking I was number one
yet I would never freely stand in front of a gun
I am strongest when I am weak
and weakest when I'm strong
Father God teach me right from wrong.


this is just something i wrote to express what i have been feeling inside. they are as things came to mind and standing in front of a gun is to be taken as standing up for what i believe in and/or taking a bullet for family or friends. im really not who i want to be right now. i hate that i swear and that i cant ask for help (pride) and that im independent and think that i can do things on my own (pride). for the first time in my life my messy room is driving me crazy but because i am not on top of my studies as well as i should be i dont have the time or energy to put forth the time and energy to clean my room and stay on top of that. i am just too lazy for my own good and its going to bite me in the butt sooner than later and i think its guna be real soon, which scares me, a lot.

Deep

John Stott: "Every time we look at the cross Christ seems to be saying to us, 'I am here because of you. It is your sin I am bearing, your curse I am suffering, your debt I am paying, your death I am dying.' Nothing in history or in the universe cuts us down to size like the cross. All of us have inflated views of ourselves, especially in self-righteousness, until we have visited a place called Calvary. It is there, at the foot of the cross, that we shrink to our true size."

Yesterday I was apart of this amazing convo at lunch with my Pastor, the leader of the worship team and some friends. One of my friends is known for his abstract ways of thinking and needless to say I was convicted and encouraged. It was cool to see that tho the question was directed to my Pastor, we were all invited to listen and express our ideas and questions. Later that night this same friend and I talked on Fbook chat and at first it was small talk about the tastiness of orange juice but then it turned into him helping me understand and clarify somethings. He asked me if I have ever seen the Good News and I had to think about it. I mean yes, I have heard it but have I seen it in my life and I answered yes to some degree but I feel like I have only skimmed the top, and that there is so much more to it.

Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go


I love this song - I randomly found it on iTunes and it's such a great reminder and it makes me want to get my tattoo that I have wanted for almost a year now....ahhhh. :D peace.

History in the making

So I had a "boyfriend" for a week, it was my first and my last - for awhile anyways. I broke it off due to the fact that he wasn't my type and I really wasn't interested nor had the proper amount of time or energy to put forth what it would take. He kinda freaked me out a little bit too in the sence that he started liking everything i like and disliked everything i dispize. I kinda feel crappy for putting him through that but at least I never lied to him, I was myself. He lives in California and we are just from two seperate worlds - I'm a small town girl and he definately is from a place where judging people by race, sexual orientation, etc. I was so deeply offended because I know people from mexico, and people who are black and they are some of the coolest people I know. I know people who are over-weight. To judge someone by their outward appearance is wrong. God made them too and loves them just as much.

YAYness

So you can now see about 75% of my bedroom floor!!! I have come to realize that I am a lot more determined and productive if it becomes a challenge or competition. But now that no one challenging me - I am no longer motivated, thus I am sitting on my butt talking on the phone and IMing...

Okay fine I will clean my room

Dude seriously? I am in the middle of an argument online with one of my friends about cleaning my room. DUDE I am 19, I don't think I need the entire galletin valley on me about cleaning my room or perhaps I do considering there are 10 people out side of my family pestering me about it. Gosh!

Breaking Point = Saving Point

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt? I have or rather I am to many people but mainly two. Two of my newest friends have impacted my life so much, just showing me the reality of the lack of hope in their lives.

They are so lost, like a child straying away from his father. Actually that's exactly what has happend. My friend's are God's children, his creation and they don't acknowledge that, they don't even understand what that means. For them it would be being accepted, loved unconditionally, God doesn't see them as "fuck ups" or "worthless pieces of shit". It would mean hope, real hope. It would mean a future, something to live for. One of them is searching, he's so close but keeps falling short - no one knows what I mean better than my girl Mel, she knows better than I do. So Im sure the pain in my heart is only a fraction of what she's feeling in her's.

My other friend is so far, he knows somethings missing in his life - but he wont explore it, not even question it. Instead he just tries to fill the void by ignoring it, with relationships he calls "love", giving his all to his family and friends for nothing in return. His fix is a handful of rolaids and immodium. He pushes himself over his breaking point and is still holding on, and fighting. I just wonder how much longer he's got that fight in him because he's losing. He's losing his health and his strength. And he's only 26.

God knows their hearts better then they do, He knows the point at which they will surrender and turn to Christ on the cross, and that's where my hope is at, what I'm praying for. What I cry over, why my heart breaks.

Do guys really listen?

I really want and need to know if guys even listen when a girl talks to them. I am steamed and I don't see that changing soon. It seems to me that they never mature they will forever be fags and sexually driven by the prettiest girl in the room. Whoever said chilvary is dead wasn't lying. While in California I spent plenty of time with the male species aged 19 to 35 and even when they were sober they were still pig headed. My posed question is due to the fact that after much conversing with one of my male friends, he still talks about things that I told him I found innapropriate. He's 26 years old, why would he think I have feelings for him, and why would he tell me he has feelings for me a 19 year old - hmmmmm. I feel like he gets all of his lines out of a book because they are freaking cheesy and rediculous. I don't know how many times I have told him that things will never work out because WE BELIEVE IN DIFFERENT THINGS - I love the guy to death as a FRIEND it will never be more because we have polar oposite beliefs and focus' in life. My life is centered around Jesus Christ. His isn't. I made myself a promice a long time ago that I would never date a non-believer, have sex before marriage, live with a boyfriend before marriage. Im not about to even consider compromising that and dropping it for some guy. Im not that type of girl that is going to be whatever the guy wants me to be Hell No Fuck that -pardon my french - He better like me in sweats because that's the garb im generally found in that and baggy blue jeans. I like the lyrics to this song its called Not The One by ZoeGirl

Sick of all the games
This story's getting old
It's time for a change
I'm gonna take controlI
'm not an object or possession
You played with the wrong girl
And you don't own me anymore

The game of love is overrated
It's not real, I'm tired of playing

You can try to pull me in with promises
You don't intend to keep
You can try to put the pressure on
But baby, I'm not that naive
You can try to break me, try to hurt me
Till the walls fall all around me
But you can never make me feel unloved
'Cause you're not the one

I am stronger than you know
I'm smarter than you think
Not made of stone
But I stand on my own feet
I'm not your mother or your keeper
I'm not your average girl
'Cause I know what I'm living for

You can try to pull me in with promises
You don't intend to keep
You can try to put the pressure on
But baby, I'm not that naive
You can try to break me, try to hurt me
Till the sky falls all around me
But you can never make me feel unloved
'Cause you're not the one

You can try to break me, try to hurt me
Till the sky falls all around me
Now I know what I'm living for
You can try to break me, try to hurt me
Till the sky falls all around me
You're not the one, you're not the one

Now not all guys are like this I know quite a few good one who are real keepers but most of them are taken haha so congrats to all you lucky girls who have landed a real man and to all you real men - thank you for treating us girls not like a possession or some number but as a human with feelings and needs. All my love ~ Rachel

headed home

As I sat in the middle seat of the large airplane headed toward Denver from San Fran I was deep in thought with a heavy heart. I was disapointed that the two weeks came and gone so fast, that it was time to go back to "my life" - work, responsibilty, a messy room, my family....I was excited but sad. On the plane I kept thinking about my new friends and just recaping the whole trip.I went into the trip thinking I was going to spend two weeks away from drama and my family and just waste time hanging out having fun.

While I had fun my eyes were open to so much: (these are as they come to mind so no order of importance)
1st - I take my family for granted. They love me so much and ask me to little things but I frequently act like they and their tasks are an inconvience to my living and breathing. my new outlook on my family is that they love me and don't think of me as a fuck up or a worthless piece of shit - no matter how bad and often I make mistakes, they are always there for me.
2nd - When times are hard, I have a hope that they will end and that good will come from it at some point. That hope is in Christ. I have that perspective with me because I saw some crazy hard times with my friends that I stayed with, as R's mom loses her vision and the death of his uncle. C's fam doesn't give a crap about him...I don't feel like I should disclose their personal issues.

These two things are huge and have greatly impacted my life - I hope all who read will hold me to this when they hear me complain about my fam or my situation.

So while I got away from my drama I entered a whole new level of drama, it kept things interesting and I am very greatful to be back in mine. However the high lights of the trip:

Well to start things off in Denver I had a blonde moment or a "classic Rachel moment". My friend Mel and I were trying to locate our gate during our layover and decided to use the conveyor belt to "speed walk" down the air port wing. Well the second I stepped on I lost my balance and smacked Mel in the face with my right hand as my left hand grasped the side rail. Needless to say the onlookers gave me a look that suggested i needed the word STUPID stamped across my face. However Mel and I got a pretty good kick out of it - for days.
The second thing that sticks out in my mind was Aiden, a seven year old boy that we got to spend a bit of time with. He named his grandmothers cow "cake" which wasn't very suprising considering this kid was fat as well as incredibly gullible, more so than i!! shocker i know. Mel and I got him to believe that Mel was a mind reader. For instance, he said he was six but his birthday was coming up that weekend and with out missing a beat Melissa concluded, "so you'll be seven" wide eyes and mystified, aiden said "How did you know?"
I had a few other rachel moments like linking trany to transmition and thinking a house light was Saturn, hey it was in the distance and really dark out. I claimed to have eaten a bowl of Captian Retardo for breakfast those mornings as well.

All in all it was a good trip - Mel and I lost quite a bit of weight due to the fact that no one seems to eat in Cali. It was my first trip w/o the fam and certainly not the last. It was a good way to end my first "school year" in college. I am no longer scared of flying by myself - meaning with out supervision (aka: no one holding my hand or showing me where to go). Next summer I want to take some small trips around Montana to random places that have things to do - like to Polson to swim in the river and lake, go to Kalispell to the gravity house....but for right now I am so excited for school - more than I have ever been! My credit load is small but the classes are going to be tough. I'm so stoked to see what God has for my life in the coming school year!

until then - peace.

Im listening to this song by switchfoot called: this is your life; and the chorus says: this is your life, are you who you want to be? and im just thinking about it - am i who i want to be, is my life everything that i dreamed that it would be?

No.

I am not who i want to be and its not what i dreamed.

Sometimes i catch myself thinking that if i just change something externally then that would be enough - or if i stay busy then i wont have time to think about why i am so sad. i just want to be numb for even a minute - where im not slammed in the face by the reality of life. I want to get away from the fear and saddness of knowing some of my childhood friends are being deployed to Iraq in september. I want to know that i will have a relationship with my brother after his wedding...

Where is the love?

I'm not seeing the love - I see hate and pain. People hitting other people like the one's they supposedly love, I hear the force of a hand layed on a dog for straying too far away. I know the pain that comes with harsh words. I don't get it, yet I take part in it. I think we all do to some degree - I don't hit someone out of anger to hurt them and i smack my dog hard enough to cause a slight sting but I don't beat on her until she cries. And I do say things to intentionally hurt someone.

I put up a wall - to protect me - my heart from hurt. I hate seeing a sad face on a child, or watching a tear roll down the cheek of a grown women. I always say God made my heart too big or too soft because I care - a lot. If I had the money or the resources - I would make sure that no child is homeless or with out a meal or forgotten. I would strive to end poverty in Africa and other 3rd world countries.

God has blessed me so much and I say I'm thankful but honestly - am I? I'm thankful for my college scholarship - because I don't know if I could afford to go to school if I didn't have it - so thank you coaches for allowing me to manage a second year! I have thought a lot about getting rid of my bed, dresser, desk and mini fridge - because I really DON'T need them. But my bed allows me to get up away from the draft which keeps me healthy-er...and my fridge - I may need it someday and if I don't then Caleb can take it to college in two years.

I take for granted everything.....especially my car. But now that I'm paying for my gas - I think that's going to change. I got a letter today from Isabella. She is a 10 year old girl who lives in Ghana, Africa. Everyone says its so cool that I sponsor her and yadda yadda yadda but to be honest - she encourages me so much in my walk with Christ - all I want to do is give her a hug and tell her I love her and that she is precious and priceless and not worthless like how the world says she is. I want to wipe away her tears and it hurts that I can't. She's my little girl, my daughter, my sister, my friend.

I don't see how people can be so unshaken by what's going on in the world - how they can spend thousands of dollars on things that grow old and break......people may think I'm the grinch but I don't want to celebrate christmas the "traditional" way anymore. My family used to be all about advent and reading out of the bible but as we grew older we dropped that so now its about the presents it seems - and it's not what its about. ..... just random thoughts.

the lost girl

the last girls name is breanna! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! hahahaha.

Camp Week! Day 1

Wow - so i'm slightly dissappointed with the coaching of Montana. I mean the 8th and 9th grade girls don't know what a drop step is. But I guess its a good thing we are in camp - something to learn about the players and for the players to learn as well. The little campers are fun - i learned 10 names today....there's emma - coach bin's niece - we have a little secret handshake that she taught me so i feel pretty cool! and sydney so attached herself to me and gave me a hug before she left at noon and hannah who is fairly self concious about doing jumping jack infront of her peers that she let her peers do jumping jack for a good 2 minutes until tiny and i decided that letting the others be punished isn't fun for anyone. then there is kyle (not pronounced kylie but as in kyle like a boy) she likes jumping really high for a high five. There is nicole - she's blonde and has glasses and tyler and taylor and cloe - who i don't think has ever picked a basketball up in her life but hey i taught her how to shoot - hopefully it turns out well :-/ ha ha....hmmmm im missing 3 because the i had 10 in my group and sydney was in another.....OH CRAP - scanson i swear i have these down - k im back. meaghan - slaughtered spelling whoops - speaking of meagan (the trainer) i accidentaly called her heather and i honestly don't know why because i haven't seen or talked to heather in months - so my appolgies. devita - she is doing well - she looks indian to me - not like native american but as in a decendent from india! which is on the top 10 places i want to travel/missionary in. yes i do believe i am slightly ADD but ya know what evs. one more......this is one of those things that is going to kill me trying to think about it and at some rediculous hour it will come to me in my sleep.

so today after camp a dad came up to me to talk about the music - i see his point and i have been challenged - some of the songs are inappropriate for the younger kids - the lyrics i mean - the artist may not be using vulgar language but if you listen or even look up the lyrics - they mean something fairly dirty and can be degrading to people. However i listen to some of those songs like the bus song because i don't think its meaning is bad. I feel the same way about some country songs too tho. If it were me i would be rockin the toby mac and group 1 crew and david crowder but then people would be complaining because the lyrics are about God and Jesus Christ - there is no win win situation here.

Okay so a freak rain storm just blew by: gosh i love montana! the weather is so unpredictable! but anyway i danced it in - not really but i did go stand in the large drops of water falling from the sky. my favorite storms are the ones where half your house is being hailed on and the other is sunny!!!! okay - well im outy PEACE HOPE AND LOVE

Broaster!

I hate cats - sorry cat lovers.

right now there are about 5 cats whining out side my window and one screamed and i really hope it dies because would be sweet.

I know - thats a little morbid but really.

kittens are cool but yea NOT so much. I think I ran a cat over last summer - but it was an HONEST mistake - i thought it was a gopher but then i realized........okay i wont continue. But I really want to put a cat into the broaster at work :) again morbid i realize this.

SHOUT OUTS: MEL and MITCH and ....... All Cat haters in the world - and all of china because i think they eat cats

CRASH - its what im listening too

So I survived my 5-12 shift this morning! Thought my stomach was going to explode at one point but it didn't! I had an amazing opportunity to witness and encourage a co-worker today but i didn't take it - i didn't know what to say i wanted to hug her and cry and i wanted to say there is still time. ugh.

I have concluded that in strange early hours of the day - before the sun comes up i am very emotional. I listened to one song on the short drive to 4-corners and was tearing up. and then again when the mountains were a little hazy and in the shaddow and the green vallley below lit up by the sun. it was just crazy beautiful. I LOVE GOd'S CREATION!!!!! <3 <3 <3

BBall camp starts next week - I'm pretty stoked thats a week away from Betty - THANKS COACH! haha Betty isn't that bad - you just gotta let her words roll off your shoulder and know when to get a word in and make a point but with respect. This area of sticking up for myself is new to me - Im the queen at not saying a word if i am upset or offended.

oh my i need to clean my room so i don't get kicked out of the house but if i do - sienara im goin to Cali! Haahahaha okay not really Ill just live on a corner - oh snap but not like that - i mean like in a cardboard box! LOL.

PEACE!!!!!

lalalalalife!

YAY - so Betty chewed my rear out yet again for talking to my friend at work - saying as soon as mel walks into the room my work slows WAY down.....maybe it does maybe it doesn't i don't know. Im not really dwelling on it much because in all honesty as much as my boss grates me, i kinda feel bad for her. She seems miserable and tired - she's always reaming on someone over the littlest details - like which knife to use when dicing tomatoes or how to brown hamberger. I see a lack of Christ in her life, as with most of my employees. I just don't know how to reach out to them - and maybe mel and i can team up idk. but im not doing enough thats for sure!

Worship music is so filling to me right now - like its quenching my spiritual thirst but at the same time making me want more! Its awesome. There are so many songs that speak to my heart like be thou my vision and broken and beautiful, how deep the fathers love for us, jesus lover of my soul,....there are so many that the list could go on and on and on and on.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1rqb1BG4JU is a new fav for sure its My Jesus by Todd Agnew.

oh and the water works always start up with this one: everything by lifehouse
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

On my walk today i randomly picked flowers and leaves off trees and bushes of various color shape and size.....and just thought - "wow - Im holding creation in my hand" How cool is it to think that no one can duplicate the lilac - sure we can plant the seeds but if we to really make our own lilac then we would need to create the dirt and the water. I look around at the mountains the over flowing creeks and flourishing plants, the baby calves in the green pastures, the blue of the sky and the floofy clouds - and i am in awe. Driving takes so much out of life - we can't leisurly stop to smell the flowers or pop a squat next to a river jsut to listen to the movement of the water. Generally we are in a hurry to get somewhere when we are in a car - no time for dittle dattlying. now im thinking how i take my eyes, ears and legs for granted. I mean try to imagine waking up and you can't see or hear a thing - a childs face, watch your favorite tv show. so much for being i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t.

speaking about taking things for granted - im looking around my room and i have a ton of junk. clothes i never wear, shoe boxes full of papers i never look at, desk drawers filled with odds and ends that i can't seem to find a use for - earlier this week i compiled a list of things i have in my room that i really don't need the lists is as follows:

~my bed
~my dresser
~my desk
~my mini fridge
~my bean bag chair

now i know some people would disagree with my - like my dad. I don't need a bed - ask the high school basketball team from two years ago - i sleep pretty darn hard on an old dirty wood covered cement floor during basketball practice. my clothes can hang in my closet or be neatly folded and placed in boxes on the self. my desk only holds junk currently anyway so its just taking up space. i never sit in my chair and the fridge hasn't been plugged in once since december. Simplicity. Im starting to buy my clothes from second hand stores like Ross, Sacks and Salvation Army....I still get my dress clothes from the mall tho. My dad reacted like it was my right to have all these things like i earned it or something when the truth of the matter is luck. Im blessed to have enough money to have a bed - to go to the doctor - to get my teeth straightened out.

Okay that's enough for now - im out! PEACE

Random Writing - 1st Semester '07

People encounter hardships and conflict almost daily in life, whether it be what to eat at a given meal, what to wear, to skip class. These are light ones but there are heavier ones that really weigh on the heart, like should I kill myself, should I go to a party with alcohol. I have never thought able committing suicide, mostly because I wouldn’t be able to follow through with it, but also I find it a very selfish act. However I have thought about drinking alcohol and going to a college party. But to me drinking alcohol would be like suicide, killing everything I ever believed in; my convictions, my personal belief, the way I was raised and possibly my view of Christ. Then I remember why I don’t want to drink, I think of my friends and the good times we have had completely sober, think of my brother, my uncle. Mike and Avery’s wedding. And it all seems so disgusting. But that is an easy conflict to overcome. I’m really struggling with College. What does God want me to do? I see the need to trust Him in his plans, and part of me does but I, like the rest of
28 November 2007
My heart has been heavy all day. A kid I didn’t know was killed in a car accident over the weekend, his name was Jeff. I read his name and his story on a facebook group and looked at photos from his life all the while wondering if he was a believer. This isn’t the first time I have felt like this. It happened when Anna Nicole Smith died too. All around me I watch people my age getting married, my close friends, and my brother. It is a very happy time in life and then something like this shakes it. I open my eyes to see that life is not as long as we think it will be. We may not have the time to make ourselves right before God after experimenting with sex, drugs and alcohol. My thoughts move onto my witnessing, am I doing enough? Am I taking every opportunity to share this amazing gift I was given? Am I too wasting away my time towards seemingly harmless things that in reality are distracting my focus from the worthy Three-in-One? Does my life own up to the words my mouth claims? Or am I just fooling people and myself? According to biblehelp.org, on average 150,000 people die a day and honestly I never think about it. I never think about if they are believers or not or how many people turn from God in anger or how tragedy draws so many to their knees before the Lord. Today I was texting Michelle telling her of this sad news because we saw Jeff rock out on a drum set during a percussion ensemble and how I couldn’t imagine how much God is grieving as another child will spend an eternity separated from Him. I am compelled to fall on my knees and reorganize my priorities to make sure they are in the right order. I see now that God has me here on campus for a greater purpose then getting an education, then witnessing only when obvious opportunities arise. I need and want to pour my life into some one, like Paul. Encourage them to grow and focus on number one. There are so many things in life that look so good and appealing, like basketball and relationships, trips and the internet, video games and music but they can’t be everything. They aren’t everything. Family and friends aren’t everything either. These things can encourage and be good – especially when they are filled with the Lord but they will still perish, just as my flesh will shrivel and die. The death of this young man is a sorrow, yet a blessing. God has used it in my life to show me where to change, to become stronger in Him.

Death is real. It is unpredictable in a predictable manner – meaning we know it’s coming, we just don’t know when.
February 7, 2008
So im trying to get my life back on track….meaning that my focus is soly on God and my school work and bball is for the name of Christ and that I don’t grumble and I don’t swear and I just try to live my life as best as I can for Christ meaning that I will be the best example. I want to glorify Christ. Uncle Jim is now In a nursing home in Helena with 1 leg, the other was amputated. He doesn’t know Christ…and this makes me really really sad. I was to talk to him. Ask him questions get to know him. Who knows how long he has. If I talked to him….i would start by asking him how life is going for him if this is how he pictured life when he was my age. Then I would ask him if he had the chance to do it all over again what would be different. Then I would ask if he thinks its too late to change now… then I would tell him that he can change by giving his life to Christ and surrendering everything to Him and tell him what Christ has done for me and pray with him and for him. I want to know when and if he ever commited his life to god or if he lived through his families faith. I want to know when he stopped believing or why he never believed. Jess’ dad was in an accident, he was in ICU for a couple days in a medical enduced coma but now he’s home recovering. Jess has so much faith and hope that everything is alright and I want that but my heart feels heavy and I feel helpless like im watching all this bad stuff happen all around me but I can’t do anything. My grandparents have pneumonia and my mom’s best friend may have cancer….my great aunt is recovering from cancer and my other is recovering from a broken foot. My aunt gorgie’s dad just past away due to head trauma from a car accident that was his fault as a pedestrian and his wife is in the hospital with a broken hip or leg. Then there’s me … in Bozeman as happy as ever when the pace of life is busy and full, complaining about the stupidest stuff when my family and friends are grieving over huge health issues and I only remember this when I have a moment to myself. I am filled with guilt of being a selfish person. I feel like love is impossible in this world because people lie and play each other to get sex or a prettier person or they are bored so they are with multiple people at one time.

Amazing God

dude God is SO good.....early morining practice is being pushed back a half hour......no practice on friday.....practice on sunday is at 1:30 so i can go to church and college life...... and THURSDAY IS THE FIRST GAME ahhhhhh im so excitecd!!!!!! YAY. plus im moving home at semester i finally made my decision bc of the semester practice schedule for the spring......God is so faithful. like i was all stressing out about it at the begining of the year and was like what should i do what should i do and earlier this week and late last week i decided to stay in the dorms bc that where i thought God wanted me but then i talked to the coach today and he told me that monday-friday practice is going to be from 5-7 meaning i wouldn't get dinner at all second semester if i stayed at the dorms meaning i would have to go out to eat by myself really late and spend money. plus its cheaper to live at home i will never have to see Andrew again which makes me ectatic.....i really can't spell. but seriously college life was about anxiety and how we really ought not to worry because God gives us enough grace to get through all the sticky situations that have been placed in our lives for that ONE day and how we get new grace tomorrow bc the grace from yesterday and today don't carry over.....they are just for that day. i am so hyper right now im shaking from excitement. which is just emotion but really encouraging........dude seriously PRAISE JESUS! im listening to worship music and have been all day and every song either slow or up beat i have wanted to dance like a crazy person.....the Holy Spirit is def alive in me......why do i always put myself or other stupid pointless things first in life....like school and bball? i mean obviously its part of sinful nature which even as a christian i still have but since i am made new in Christ i should be able to over come it......i was reading james 3 today and the first few verses really hit me......they are about teaching others about Christ and how only some are really made for that and i know its prolly talking about being in higher positions in a church but i mean it still applies for missionaries....i mean they will be judged more and all bc their are putting themselves out there in the world to be viewed as a walking and living example so ever stumble and fall is criticized that much more then another and right now im not ready to do missions work or even know if im cut out for it - like if God made me for that ..... i mean obviously my purpose is to spread the word of God but maybe not over seas..... idk how God wants me to evangelize because i don't know my gift yet and thats because i dont focus enough on God i don't put Him high enough.....and im really working on that....so if you could pray for me in that area and encourage me that would be amazing. dang i wrote like a book but like i said i there is so much going on inside of me that i can't express it all......i still want to run away tho bc i dislike school but who ever likes it - good for them and their sick! haha jk. but idk.......im guna take a stab at nutrition and see if thats what God wants me to study.....i hate how greedy and selfish i am i mean sometimes they are covered up so easily like being picky about how i like my bananas and simple things and it really makes me sick......last night as i said my prayers i asked God to expose my sins....really let me see my heart. to change me to make me stronger to step away from the world....ahhhhhh i could cry at how Awesome God is and how much i chop off of His soap box and His thrown. it makes me feel like a horrible person because His love is Too much and for me its almost not enough ya know.... im gunna be mad if this thing has a word limit. oh man read the lyrics to How Deep The Father's Love For Us there amazing and so true....i have been listening to that song at least 6 times a day......lol. We are so undeserving can you believe that Jesus forgave us for EVERYTHING thousands of years before our parents even existed and yet our sin held Him on that cross things we hadn't even done and things we will still do and He still will love us.


I feel so broken yet whole at the same time.....i feel loved intimately loved and known. nothing else matters to me except to please God.....like i can't make it through a day on my own but because of God's promices i do. God knows. He knows that i hate school. He knows how much Sarah's cutting has hurt me and He carried me through that. and He will carry me through tomorrow's struggles and twenty years from now he will be there picking me up when i can't go on. He's always there. Glory be to God. i don't want to be apart of the world anymore i want to be apart of God's world.....His kingdom.does any of this make sense to you? i know i am just rambling but i am over whelmed with the Holy Spirit right now.

May 26, 2008

May 26, 2008 Dad thinks I'm fat, Grandma thinks I'm fat too. So anybody else? Does anyone else think I'm fat. I looked into the mirror this morning and to be honest – my face looked chubby and well….fat. I can’t cry anymore – I'm not a little kid and the man I always ran to when ever something bad happened was the monster chasing me in my dreams. It was the second time he called me that and he didn’t even appologize this time – so he’s gotta mean it. I can’t really talk to him or look at him with out being embarressed or self conscious. I have thought about anorexia or belimia but I'm not stupid enough to turn to either of those as an answer. I don’t think I have ever been or ever will be good enough for dad – how can I be when all he sees is a lazy fat slopy person with zits. I just want to hide from everyone. So I'm crying again because this pain is so intense and I feel alone GOD WHERE ARE YOU? I need to hear that I'm beautiful the way I am.

May 22, 2008

May 22, 2008 I am on the verge of crying – just balling my eyes out. I want to run away from my fears my problems my worries my anger my sin. I am so angry at the world and at myself. God why am I so weak? Why do I time after time sin? Why do I want to better myself but don’t even attempt it. Why do we seek instant gratification – can it ever be obtained? I want to spit on myself because I am so full of disgust.

May 21, 2008

May 21, 2008 NOTHING on this planet is going to last. Everything is EMPTY. So why do we try to get satisfaction from it all? Do non-believers really fill the void, or do they just put on an act to appear that its all on the up and up? Are they knowingly dying inside of loneliness, worthlessness? How is it that people who have nothing have the strongest faith and those who are truly blessed with more than enough have so little in the faith department?I love the rain. I feel God’s presence more than ever when it rains. I should feel that way when it snows or when it’s 99 degrees outside, but I don’t.

May 20, 2008

May 20, 2008 Why is this world so stuck on things: new cars, iPods, movies, games, jewelry, clothes, and brands. Every year every season trends either die or are born some even born again. My little brother got syrup spilled all over his new shorts and was so angry because he thought they were ruined, 30 dollars down the drain. The syrup also got all over moms seat in her jeep. I got so angry at him that I used words that I despise. Later that night we were cool with each other. Little does he know that two dollars more and his pants would have paid for a month of sponsorship for Compassion International. I do that a lot these days – configure how many months of sponsorship is being spent on myself rather than sending a little extra to Isabella’s family. I'm really hard on my self – I know. And I know that God has blessed me with the money to clothe myself and live well, but I see it as a curse now – as, I want things I don’t need, I have things I don’t use. I need to down size. Live off what I truly need. My family is in debt – not terrible debt but none the less are behind with paying off their credit cards like so many people are these days. I hear them talk about how they need to cut back on spending, on the splurges, but I see them doing the opposite – it makes me so mad that I could scream. Why go out to eat when you could save those 20 dollars for something more important like a wedding that’s coming up or for gas. It angers me to hear people spending hundreds of dollars on a pair of pants that you are going to either grow out of, wear out of or stain before you really get your money’s worth after having to get them dry cleaned after every use. Shoot just go to discount stores for the basics and if dress clothes are needed then go to JcPennys. I take everything for granted, my legs my eyes, the air I breathe. I do nothing on my own. “For without you I would have no life at all” Lyrics to: From Creation to Creator. I have a friend who told me that if God wakes me up in the morning, it means he has a purpose for me. I’m challenged and convicted and on the verge of crying. I feel so broken and lost and foolish for living the way i do. i want to change the world but I feel so stuck and small. I feel like I'm wasting my life. what im doing is not enough - i don't feel like im giving God enough glory - I don't think I’m expanding his kingdom.


Am I holding back? From what? From giving everyting to God? Am I scared to let go of the “good life” meaning the world? Why am I still on the fence?