May 20, 2008

May 20, 2008 Why is this world so stuck on things: new cars, iPods, movies, games, jewelry, clothes, and brands. Every year every season trends either die or are born some even born again. My little brother got syrup spilled all over his new shorts and was so angry because he thought they were ruined, 30 dollars down the drain. The syrup also got all over moms seat in her jeep. I got so angry at him that I used words that I despise. Later that night we were cool with each other. Little does he know that two dollars more and his pants would have paid for a month of sponsorship for Compassion International. I do that a lot these days – configure how many months of sponsorship is being spent on myself rather than sending a little extra to Isabella’s family. I'm really hard on my self – I know. And I know that God has blessed me with the money to clothe myself and live well, but I see it as a curse now – as, I want things I don’t need, I have things I don’t use. I need to down size. Live off what I truly need. My family is in debt – not terrible debt but none the less are behind with paying off their credit cards like so many people are these days. I hear them talk about how they need to cut back on spending, on the splurges, but I see them doing the opposite – it makes me so mad that I could scream. Why go out to eat when you could save those 20 dollars for something more important like a wedding that’s coming up or for gas. It angers me to hear people spending hundreds of dollars on a pair of pants that you are going to either grow out of, wear out of or stain before you really get your money’s worth after having to get them dry cleaned after every use. Shoot just go to discount stores for the basics and if dress clothes are needed then go to JcPennys. I take everything for granted, my legs my eyes, the air I breathe. I do nothing on my own. “For without you I would have no life at all” Lyrics to: From Creation to Creator. I have a friend who told me that if God wakes me up in the morning, it means he has a purpose for me. I’m challenged and convicted and on the verge of crying. I feel so broken and lost and foolish for living the way i do. i want to change the world but I feel so stuck and small. I feel like I'm wasting my life. what im doing is not enough - i don't feel like im giving God enough glory - I don't think I’m expanding his kingdom.


Am I holding back? From what? From giving everyting to God? Am I scared to let go of the “good life” meaning the world? Why am I still on the fence?