People encounter hardships and conflict almost daily in life, whether it be what to eat at a given meal, what to wear, to skip class. These are light ones but there are heavier ones that really weigh on the heart, like should I kill myself, should I go to a party with alcohol. I have never thought able committing suicide, mostly because I wouldn’t be able to follow through with it, but also I find it a very selfish act. However I have thought about drinking alcohol and going to a college party. But to me drinking alcohol would be like suicide, killing everything I ever believed in; my convictions, my personal belief, the way I was raised and possibly my view of Christ. Then I remember why I don’t want to drink, I think of my friends and the good times we have had completely sober, think of my brother, my uncle. Mike and Avery’s wedding. And it all seems so disgusting. But that is an easy conflict to overcome. I’m really struggling with College. What does God want me to do? I see the need to trust Him in his plans, and part of me does but I, like the rest of
28 November 2007
My heart has been heavy all day. A kid I didn’t know was killed in a car accident over the weekend, his name was Jeff. I read his name and his story on a facebook group and looked at photos from his life all the while wondering if he was a believer. This isn’t the first time I have felt like this. It happened when Anna Nicole Smith died too. All around me I watch people my age getting married, my close friends, and my brother. It is a very happy time in life and then something like this shakes it. I open my eyes to see that life is not as long as we think it will be. We may not have the time to make ourselves right before God after experimenting with sex, drugs and alcohol. My thoughts move onto my witnessing, am I doing enough? Am I taking every opportunity to share this amazing gift I was given? Am I too wasting away my time towards seemingly harmless things that in reality are distracting my focus from the worthy Three-in-One? Does my life own up to the words my mouth claims? Or am I just fooling people and myself? According to biblehelp.org, on average 150,000 people die a day and honestly I never think about it. I never think about if they are believers or not or how many people turn from God in anger or how tragedy draws so many to their knees before the Lord. Today I was texting Michelle telling her of this sad news because we saw Jeff rock out on a drum set during a percussion ensemble and how I couldn’t imagine how much God is grieving as another child will spend an eternity separated from Him. I am compelled to fall on my knees and reorganize my priorities to make sure they are in the right order. I see now that God has me here on campus for a greater purpose then getting an education, then witnessing only when obvious opportunities arise. I need and want to pour my life into some one, like Paul. Encourage them to grow and focus on number one. There are so many things in life that look so good and appealing, like basketball and relationships, trips and the internet, video games and music but they can’t be everything. They aren’t everything. Family and friends aren’t everything either. These things can encourage and be good – especially when they are filled with the Lord but they will still perish, just as my flesh will shrivel and die. The death of this young man is a sorrow, yet a blessing. God has used it in my life to show me where to change, to become stronger in Him.
Death is real. It is unpredictable in a predictable manner – meaning we know it’s coming, we just don’t know when.
February 7, 2008
So im trying to get my life back on track….meaning that my focus is soly on God and my school work and bball is for the name of Christ and that I don’t grumble and I don’t swear and I just try to live my life as best as I can for Christ meaning that I will be the best example. I want to glorify Christ. Uncle Jim is now In a nursing home in Helena with 1 leg, the other was amputated. He doesn’t know Christ…and this makes me really really sad. I was to talk to him. Ask him questions get to know him. Who knows how long he has. If I talked to him….i would start by asking him how life is going for him if this is how he pictured life when he was my age. Then I would ask him if he had the chance to do it all over again what would be different. Then I would ask if he thinks its too late to change now… then I would tell him that he can change by giving his life to Christ and surrendering everything to Him and tell him what Christ has done for me and pray with him and for him. I want to know when and if he ever commited his life to god or if he lived through his families faith. I want to know when he stopped believing or why he never believed. Jess’ dad was in an accident, he was in ICU for a couple days in a medical enduced coma but now he’s home recovering. Jess has so much faith and hope that everything is alright and I want that but my heart feels heavy and I feel helpless like im watching all this bad stuff happen all around me but I can’t do anything. My grandparents have pneumonia and my mom’s best friend may have cancer….my great aunt is recovering from cancer and my other is recovering from a broken foot. My aunt gorgie’s dad just past away due to head trauma from a car accident that was his fault as a pedestrian and his wife is in the hospital with a broken hip or leg. Then there’s me … in Bozeman as happy as ever when the pace of life is busy and full, complaining about the stupidest stuff when my family and friends are grieving over huge health issues and I only remember this when I have a moment to myself. I am filled with guilt of being a selfish person. I feel like love is impossible in this world because people lie and play each other to get sex or a prettier person or they are bored so they are with multiple people at one time.
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