from the inside out.

My life is as disorganized as my room
nothing in order or having proper place
everything feels cluttered
its getting up under my skin
its never ending just building and building
suffocating my patience
i feel so disoriented so lost and alone
i can't even find Jesus
because i am back on the thrown
nothing feels right nothing feels real
except for the pain in my chest
that is telling me i'm alive and saying "I'm here"
I know that voice, its the Lord my God
he wants everything my fear my pride
layed down before him
He'll clean up my life
Selfishly I say "No, I'm fine on my own"
It was prideful independence that nailed him to that tree
I might as well have a hammer in hand and a smile on my face
I'm torn in two at war in my heart
I'm the the battle - to sin I have lost
With my words actions attitude and thoughts
It all comes at a cost
But the price has been paid
Some two thousand years ago
Not a cash compensation, not an exchange of material things
just the life layed down, a sacrifice by God's own son.
When I look at that cross and the man I nailed to it
I remember my place amidst this cluddered space.
I will prioritize my life with God first
Do all for His Glory because it's what he asks.
I'm sorry Lord for leaving you behind
I got wrapped up in my selfish pride
Thinking I was number one
yet I would never freely stand in front of a gun
I am strongest when I am weak
and weakest when I'm strong
Father God teach me right from wrong.


this is just something i wrote to express what i have been feeling inside. they are as things came to mind and standing in front of a gun is to be taken as standing up for what i believe in and/or taking a bullet for family or friends. im really not who i want to be right now. i hate that i swear and that i cant ask for help (pride) and that im independent and think that i can do things on my own (pride). for the first time in my life my messy room is driving me crazy but because i am not on top of my studies as well as i should be i dont have the time or energy to put forth the time and energy to clean my room and stay on top of that. i am just too lazy for my own good and its going to bite me in the butt sooner than later and i think its guna be real soon, which scares me, a lot.