Random Writing - 1st Semester '07

People encounter hardships and conflict almost daily in life, whether it be what to eat at a given meal, what to wear, to skip class. These are light ones but there are heavier ones that really weigh on the heart, like should I kill myself, should I go to a party with alcohol. I have never thought able committing suicide, mostly because I wouldn’t be able to follow through with it, but also I find it a very selfish act. However I have thought about drinking alcohol and going to a college party. But to me drinking alcohol would be like suicide, killing everything I ever believed in; my convictions, my personal belief, the way I was raised and possibly my view of Christ. Then I remember why I don’t want to drink, I think of my friends and the good times we have had completely sober, think of my brother, my uncle. Mike and Avery’s wedding. And it all seems so disgusting. But that is an easy conflict to overcome. I’m really struggling with College. What does God want me to do? I see the need to trust Him in his plans, and part of me does but I, like the rest of
28 November 2007
My heart has been heavy all day. A kid I didn’t know was killed in a car accident over the weekend, his name was Jeff. I read his name and his story on a facebook group and looked at photos from his life all the while wondering if he was a believer. This isn’t the first time I have felt like this. It happened when Anna Nicole Smith died too. All around me I watch people my age getting married, my close friends, and my brother. It is a very happy time in life and then something like this shakes it. I open my eyes to see that life is not as long as we think it will be. We may not have the time to make ourselves right before God after experimenting with sex, drugs and alcohol. My thoughts move onto my witnessing, am I doing enough? Am I taking every opportunity to share this amazing gift I was given? Am I too wasting away my time towards seemingly harmless things that in reality are distracting my focus from the worthy Three-in-One? Does my life own up to the words my mouth claims? Or am I just fooling people and myself? According to biblehelp.org, on average 150,000 people die a day and honestly I never think about it. I never think about if they are believers or not or how many people turn from God in anger or how tragedy draws so many to their knees before the Lord. Today I was texting Michelle telling her of this sad news because we saw Jeff rock out on a drum set during a percussion ensemble and how I couldn’t imagine how much God is grieving as another child will spend an eternity separated from Him. I am compelled to fall on my knees and reorganize my priorities to make sure they are in the right order. I see now that God has me here on campus for a greater purpose then getting an education, then witnessing only when obvious opportunities arise. I need and want to pour my life into some one, like Paul. Encourage them to grow and focus on number one. There are so many things in life that look so good and appealing, like basketball and relationships, trips and the internet, video games and music but they can’t be everything. They aren’t everything. Family and friends aren’t everything either. These things can encourage and be good – especially when they are filled with the Lord but they will still perish, just as my flesh will shrivel and die. The death of this young man is a sorrow, yet a blessing. God has used it in my life to show me where to change, to become stronger in Him.

Death is real. It is unpredictable in a predictable manner – meaning we know it’s coming, we just don’t know when.
February 7, 2008
So im trying to get my life back on track….meaning that my focus is soly on God and my school work and bball is for the name of Christ and that I don’t grumble and I don’t swear and I just try to live my life as best as I can for Christ meaning that I will be the best example. I want to glorify Christ. Uncle Jim is now In a nursing home in Helena with 1 leg, the other was amputated. He doesn’t know Christ…and this makes me really really sad. I was to talk to him. Ask him questions get to know him. Who knows how long he has. If I talked to him….i would start by asking him how life is going for him if this is how he pictured life when he was my age. Then I would ask him if he had the chance to do it all over again what would be different. Then I would ask if he thinks its too late to change now… then I would tell him that he can change by giving his life to Christ and surrendering everything to Him and tell him what Christ has done for me and pray with him and for him. I want to know when and if he ever commited his life to god or if he lived through his families faith. I want to know when he stopped believing or why he never believed. Jess’ dad was in an accident, he was in ICU for a couple days in a medical enduced coma but now he’s home recovering. Jess has so much faith and hope that everything is alright and I want that but my heart feels heavy and I feel helpless like im watching all this bad stuff happen all around me but I can’t do anything. My grandparents have pneumonia and my mom’s best friend may have cancer….my great aunt is recovering from cancer and my other is recovering from a broken foot. My aunt gorgie’s dad just past away due to head trauma from a car accident that was his fault as a pedestrian and his wife is in the hospital with a broken hip or leg. Then there’s me … in Bozeman as happy as ever when the pace of life is busy and full, complaining about the stupidest stuff when my family and friends are grieving over huge health issues and I only remember this when I have a moment to myself. I am filled with guilt of being a selfish person. I feel like love is impossible in this world because people lie and play each other to get sex or a prettier person or they are bored so they are with multiple people at one time.

Amazing God

dude God is SO good.....early morining practice is being pushed back a half hour......no practice on friday.....practice on sunday is at 1:30 so i can go to church and college life...... and THURSDAY IS THE FIRST GAME ahhhhhh im so excitecd!!!!!! YAY. plus im moving home at semester i finally made my decision bc of the semester practice schedule for the spring......God is so faithful. like i was all stressing out about it at the begining of the year and was like what should i do what should i do and earlier this week and late last week i decided to stay in the dorms bc that where i thought God wanted me but then i talked to the coach today and he told me that monday-friday practice is going to be from 5-7 meaning i wouldn't get dinner at all second semester if i stayed at the dorms meaning i would have to go out to eat by myself really late and spend money. plus its cheaper to live at home i will never have to see Andrew again which makes me ectatic.....i really can't spell. but seriously college life was about anxiety and how we really ought not to worry because God gives us enough grace to get through all the sticky situations that have been placed in our lives for that ONE day and how we get new grace tomorrow bc the grace from yesterday and today don't carry over.....they are just for that day. i am so hyper right now im shaking from excitement. which is just emotion but really encouraging........dude seriously PRAISE JESUS! im listening to worship music and have been all day and every song either slow or up beat i have wanted to dance like a crazy person.....the Holy Spirit is def alive in me......why do i always put myself or other stupid pointless things first in life....like school and bball? i mean obviously its part of sinful nature which even as a christian i still have but since i am made new in Christ i should be able to over come it......i was reading james 3 today and the first few verses really hit me......they are about teaching others about Christ and how only some are really made for that and i know its prolly talking about being in higher positions in a church but i mean it still applies for missionaries....i mean they will be judged more and all bc their are putting themselves out there in the world to be viewed as a walking and living example so ever stumble and fall is criticized that much more then another and right now im not ready to do missions work or even know if im cut out for it - like if God made me for that ..... i mean obviously my purpose is to spread the word of God but maybe not over seas..... idk how God wants me to evangelize because i don't know my gift yet and thats because i dont focus enough on God i don't put Him high enough.....and im really working on that....so if you could pray for me in that area and encourage me that would be amazing. dang i wrote like a book but like i said i there is so much going on inside of me that i can't express it all......i still want to run away tho bc i dislike school but who ever likes it - good for them and their sick! haha jk. but idk.......im guna take a stab at nutrition and see if thats what God wants me to study.....i hate how greedy and selfish i am i mean sometimes they are covered up so easily like being picky about how i like my bananas and simple things and it really makes me sick......last night as i said my prayers i asked God to expose my sins....really let me see my heart. to change me to make me stronger to step away from the world....ahhhhhh i could cry at how Awesome God is and how much i chop off of His soap box and His thrown. it makes me feel like a horrible person because His love is Too much and for me its almost not enough ya know.... im gunna be mad if this thing has a word limit. oh man read the lyrics to How Deep The Father's Love For Us there amazing and so true....i have been listening to that song at least 6 times a day......lol. We are so undeserving can you believe that Jesus forgave us for EVERYTHING thousands of years before our parents even existed and yet our sin held Him on that cross things we hadn't even done and things we will still do and He still will love us.


I feel so broken yet whole at the same time.....i feel loved intimately loved and known. nothing else matters to me except to please God.....like i can't make it through a day on my own but because of God's promices i do. God knows. He knows that i hate school. He knows how much Sarah's cutting has hurt me and He carried me through that. and He will carry me through tomorrow's struggles and twenty years from now he will be there picking me up when i can't go on. He's always there. Glory be to God. i don't want to be apart of the world anymore i want to be apart of God's world.....His kingdom.does any of this make sense to you? i know i am just rambling but i am over whelmed with the Holy Spirit right now.

May 26, 2008

May 26, 2008 Dad thinks I'm fat, Grandma thinks I'm fat too. So anybody else? Does anyone else think I'm fat. I looked into the mirror this morning and to be honest – my face looked chubby and well….fat. I can’t cry anymore – I'm not a little kid and the man I always ran to when ever something bad happened was the monster chasing me in my dreams. It was the second time he called me that and he didn’t even appologize this time – so he’s gotta mean it. I can’t really talk to him or look at him with out being embarressed or self conscious. I have thought about anorexia or belimia but I'm not stupid enough to turn to either of those as an answer. I don’t think I have ever been or ever will be good enough for dad – how can I be when all he sees is a lazy fat slopy person with zits. I just want to hide from everyone. So I'm crying again because this pain is so intense and I feel alone GOD WHERE ARE YOU? I need to hear that I'm beautiful the way I am.

May 22, 2008

May 22, 2008 I am on the verge of crying – just balling my eyes out. I want to run away from my fears my problems my worries my anger my sin. I am so angry at the world and at myself. God why am I so weak? Why do I time after time sin? Why do I want to better myself but don’t even attempt it. Why do we seek instant gratification – can it ever be obtained? I want to spit on myself because I am so full of disgust.

May 21, 2008

May 21, 2008 NOTHING on this planet is going to last. Everything is EMPTY. So why do we try to get satisfaction from it all? Do non-believers really fill the void, or do they just put on an act to appear that its all on the up and up? Are they knowingly dying inside of loneliness, worthlessness? How is it that people who have nothing have the strongest faith and those who are truly blessed with more than enough have so little in the faith department?I love the rain. I feel God’s presence more than ever when it rains. I should feel that way when it snows or when it’s 99 degrees outside, but I don’t.

May 20, 2008

May 20, 2008 Why is this world so stuck on things: new cars, iPods, movies, games, jewelry, clothes, and brands. Every year every season trends either die or are born some even born again. My little brother got syrup spilled all over his new shorts and was so angry because he thought they were ruined, 30 dollars down the drain. The syrup also got all over moms seat in her jeep. I got so angry at him that I used words that I despise. Later that night we were cool with each other. Little does he know that two dollars more and his pants would have paid for a month of sponsorship for Compassion International. I do that a lot these days – configure how many months of sponsorship is being spent on myself rather than sending a little extra to Isabella’s family. I'm really hard on my self – I know. And I know that God has blessed me with the money to clothe myself and live well, but I see it as a curse now – as, I want things I don’t need, I have things I don’t use. I need to down size. Live off what I truly need. My family is in debt – not terrible debt but none the less are behind with paying off their credit cards like so many people are these days. I hear them talk about how they need to cut back on spending, on the splurges, but I see them doing the opposite – it makes me so mad that I could scream. Why go out to eat when you could save those 20 dollars for something more important like a wedding that’s coming up or for gas. It angers me to hear people spending hundreds of dollars on a pair of pants that you are going to either grow out of, wear out of or stain before you really get your money’s worth after having to get them dry cleaned after every use. Shoot just go to discount stores for the basics and if dress clothes are needed then go to JcPennys. I take everything for granted, my legs my eyes, the air I breathe. I do nothing on my own. “For without you I would have no life at all” Lyrics to: From Creation to Creator. I have a friend who told me that if God wakes me up in the morning, it means he has a purpose for me. I’m challenged and convicted and on the verge of crying. I feel so broken and lost and foolish for living the way i do. i want to change the world but I feel so stuck and small. I feel like I'm wasting my life. what im doing is not enough - i don't feel like im giving God enough glory - I don't think I’m expanding his kingdom.


Am I holding back? From what? From giving everyting to God? Am I scared to let go of the “good life” meaning the world? Why am I still on the fence?