peace and rest

Coping strategies, everyone has their own. Some resort to the bottle or drugs, some to their beds, some to adrenaline and others (like myself) just keep busy. The busier the better, if you don't have time to think about it (whatever it is that is bothering you) then you wont think about it. The problem with all of these, is that once the hangover is there, once the adrenalin fades, when you wake up and when you run out of things to do, your mind is flooded with that which you worked so hard to avoid. This is where you try harder and harder drink more and more, sleep more and takes sleeping pills to sleep longer and deeper, work your brain to the point of exhaustion.

There has to be another way.

Question: What do you want?

Answer: I have no idea.

I'm 3 semesters away from graduating and I just don't know. Upper division classes allow me to actually design projects focusing on what I want to do, and I have no ideas. It scares me a little, or a lot. I feel like I have no direction in life. I'm stressing about money because I seem to be spending more than what I take in, I'm freaking out that I don't have enough time to do all my homework.....as I am writing this while watching a movie when I could/should be studying.

People around me keep telling me that I look sad, that they want to see me with a nice guy and such. I don't know what I want, or maybe I do but I shouldn't want it or pursue it.

My stomach is in a knot when I think about it.

gone baby gone baby gone

It's gone. The summer, the warm weather, the "man-friend" and my hair.

Summer seems like it just got started and yet school is just around the corner. I have three count them 3 (1, 2, 3) semesters left THAT'S IT!!! AHHHHH. I can't believe how fast college went. So many good memories.

The weather was strange this summer............it was cold. which is nice because it seems that we are never satisfied with it either being too cold or too hot but this summer was in my opinion really quite perfect. There were some intense heat on days and lately getting some rain but it is nice. BTW...I actually tanned for the first time in my life. Granted next to most I am still very much pasty white, but for me I am tan.

The man-friend turned out to be nothing close to the title. I am still healing from it, and learning to trust guys again. Are there any decent dudes out there or are they all sex crazed and driven maniacs?

My hair is always changing....short or long....i kinda miss my long hair but i kinda like it short. I wish I knew how to style it better or more because basically I always wear it in a pony tail. I do know that I am thankful that it isn't choking me in my sleep anymore like it did when it was longer. :)

Mmmmm so what is new in my life?

I have a job. It's wonderful. It's at a hotel owned locally and it's a total blast!! I love how similar yet diverse it is. I mean you say the same thing pretty much all day long but depending on who is on the other side of the counter or on the other end of the phone is what makes it different. Some people are really hard to deal with and you just really want them to go away and others you want there all day long to keep the good times a rollin. Ha ha. my coworkers are pretty chill too. Kinda weird tho, well lets just say parting sex driven guys mostly and then a few awesome ladies. So much gossip goes down in the business and I am trying not to get caught up in it but it is definitely tough.

I am happy and content being single, and maybe its fear that is keeping me away from dating but at the same time i do need time to heal and to focus on my faith and just on being me.

Well, until next time.
Rach

the end

I said goodbye
Yet the tears I cry
Of shame, guilt and anger remain
Deep inside
I try to hide the hurt, the dirt the truth of crime
Against me you plead baby stay fight through this with me
I trusted you
You smashed that trust into idy bity pieces, sharp like glass and my heart was torn
Trying to clean up the mess
Fear set in, would you do it again. You said no but you said that before.
Where’s the respect
You said you’re different, you aren’t like the rest…boy you sure failed that test.
You did worse than the worst I knew, I’m so glad I’m through with you.

update.

it's graduation weekend, not mine (I wish!!) but my kid brother. He is stepping out of the world where everything can be made better by mom and dad and into the world being on his own. He is graduating high school on Sunday. I am so stoked for him and I find myself reflecting how in 3 short years how far he has come and how much he has grown but how much he has left to learn. At 18 he thinks he knows it all, like we all did and still tend to do. He was the big man on campus, maybe not liked by all but certainly known by most. my hope for him is that he learns to value his education especially now that it wont be "free"

The last few weeks I have been thinking about how far i have come too. 3 years of college completed 1.5 to go. WoW it has gone by fast, that is for sure. I still have no idea what I want to do with my degree...will i even use it?

I can't find a job. 25 applications turned in and only 1 interview...sucky. Nothing new has been posted that I am remotely qualified for so I have been getting used to staying in my room all week. I think I am becoming lazy, actually I know I am. I wish I had the money to be in summer school. I have been in the blahs for a while so I watched season 9 of Biggest Loser - drama drama drama but I think its really neat how they have changed in 6 months. I should work out...

Speaking of work and school...I have a choice that I have to make. Do I manage basketball or do I get a job and work the rest of school? BLAH. I still don't know.

as for changing being in the blahs...I am cutting my hair tonight! saweet....hopefully it turns out. and i do need to start working out, i am not over weight but i would like to be in shape.

Stress

So a few interesting facts about stress...being over stimulated to stress can weaken your immune system and over time makes you more susceptible to chronic diseases such as hypertension, high blood pressure, chronic fatigue, gastrointestinal disorders and even premature death. I don't believe in premature death, because as a Christian, I believe that God has allowed us to live a certain number of years, weeks, maybe even just a few brief moments. We can't merit anymore years or end our life early with out Him knowing and allowing it. That said, we have a choice how to live. We can choose to surround ourselves with stressful relationships and jobs ending up 6 feet under with preventable diseases if we only chose another way of life.

I am at a cross roads. Do I continue traveling on the path of least resistance or do I mix it up and try something new to save my health in the long run? Do I make my decision based on the desires of others or what is genuinely best for me?

BAH. decisions.