falling

This fall semester has been mad chaos. I got promoted to Film Exchange Coordinator for the WBB team which is sweet, it's cool knowing that I'm considered to be reliable, however with that being said I feel like I'm not giving it my best. The system is crazy having it over email, two different exchange programs as well as snail mail or FedEx and the phone. I'm struggling with prioritizing my duties because there will be times I pass up doing my homework and studying to make sure emails are sent or responded to. The next week it seems that I am totally focused on my school work because I have papers and exams and projects with impending due dates.

I put too much pressure on myself to do my work well all the while procrastinating and not keeping organized. I refuse to stop a task in the middle, I seek completion.

The End.

I Flu with the Pigs this week

Monday: 100%
Tuesday: Horrid Cough and felt like I had been hit be a truck
Wednesday: See Tuesday and add 101.5 degree fever
Thursday: Symptoms of a bad cold with a bad cough
Friday:.....We shall see.

I don't like missing school or practice and I think I hate laying around at home alone even more. I feel worthless and that makes me cranky.

Movies watched:
Sunday - Where the Wild Things Are - LOVED IT!!!
Wednesday - Footloose - Until dad stole the remote PSH
Thursday - Proposal - FUNNY, Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock work well together :)
- Blazing Saddles - Random and funny, a good ol western
Friday - I will be pulling something off the ol shelves I think.

i'm so sorry.

your soft blue eyes pierced my heart
were you angry or embarressed?
i fought back the tears
feeling helpless watching you helpless.
in the stall
my ignorance fired heated questions Above
asking why why why
with every tear that ran down my face.

Dreams....

When I was younger I wanted to be a professional singer. I can't carry a tune to save my life and my little brother frequently reminds me of that to this day.

I also wanted to be a professional basketball player. I hyperextended my back to the point where I am at risk of herniating a disk and actually breaking my back. (I'm desperately avoiding cracks in the walkway at all costs)

My dreams became more realistic as I aged. I wanted to be a teacher, of P.E. or Algebra 1. My little brother helped me learn that teaching doesn't come naturally to me. This dream carried me through much of middle school and all most all of high school.

Senior year in Mr. Griffiths Human Geography class this changed. We watched a film about the genocide in Rowanda and something in me snapped to attention. I began to wonder how many of these men, women and children invovled died without knowing or hearing the Good News. I became grieved knowing the answer was many. I have wanted to go to Africa ever since.

At MSU, my major is focused on child health/services and developement. After taking Human Sexuality and learning about FGM (femail genital mutilation) an interest in women's studies has sparked and wanting to teach women in less developed countries about taking care of their bodies - and help these nations view women and girls more as equals and less like objects.

After MSU I want to persue Biblical teaching either at MBC here in Bozeman or at EBC in L.A.



Please visit this website if you would like to learn more about FGM. http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs241/en/

moving on

Moving has never settled well with me. While I'm used to moving I just don't like it, leaving good friends behind for a place with strangers and hundreds of unknowns. Get me in a situation like that and I don't talk or look people in the eye. While I'm not the one moving, my heart still feels like it's being torn out and stepped on. I feel alone.

Are you ready?

Death is an ever present thought in my mind.

My great grams is 98 years old and was diagnosed with cancer recently, she wasn't responding to treatment so she was taken off of it. Her pain is unbearable....a month later my family is starting to believe she is giving up.

We will all die at some point for death is inevitable.

i don't even know

have you ever had one of those moments when something happens and your response is "i don't even know..."?

its kinda the story of my life.

my friend copied some pictures for me so that i can give them to her as a going away gift and some of them...."i don't even know"



this pic reminds me of Coach Scanson....he is always having some sort of challenge or competition concerning food ie: how fast can he chug a glass of cold soda or eat a bowl of chips with no hands or the more popular 6 saltines in a minute.

you know the costco cakes with the frosting balloons? yea well on two seperate accounts i have ingested a balloon in one bite. :)

survey time!!!

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage= chai
2. Last phone call= laura skillyman
3. Last text message= mel
4. last song you listened to= I Wont Disagree by Kate Voegelle
5. last time you cried= uhh...this morning - HEY Boy in the Striped Pajamas is a sad movie

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice= no
7. been cheated on= couldn't tall ya that one - but wouldn't put it past him
8. kissed someone and regretted it= no
9. lost someone special= yes
10. been depressed= no but very sad yes
11. been drunk and threw up= no

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. green
13. blue
14. orange

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend = many!!!
16. Fallen out of love = no
17. Laughed until you cried= its me we are talking about
18. Met someone who changed you= fo sho
19. Found out who your true friends were= I'm still learning that one
20. Found out someone was talking about you= ....
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list= nada
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life= except for kaled...ive at met them at least once in person
23. How many kids do you want to have= lots :) at least 3 maybe 5
24. Do you have any pets =my pooch
25. Do you want to change your name= i used to
26. What did you do for your last birthday= uh....ate cake and quit my job
27. What time did you wake up today? a lil before 8:30
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = sleeping
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for= Heaven
30. Last time you saw your Mother= 4 hours ago
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? = um, how i bend over backwards for certain people
32. What are you listening to right now =pandora
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = cha tom wyckoff
34. What's getting on your nerves right now= things that aren't important
35. Most visited webpage=facebook, pandora
36. Whats your real name = rachel kathleen rehbein
37. Nicknames= bug, rach
38. Relationship Status = single
39. Zodiac sign =leo
40. Male or female? = female
41. Elementary? = i have been to 6
42. Middle School = sms and cjms
43. High school/College = Bozeman Senior High School/ MSU
44. Hair colour = my natural....plus a little darker brown
45. Long or short = medium wishing it was long
46. Height =6'
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = nope
48: What do you like about yourself? = my hair color
49. Piercings= ears
50. Tattoos = i want one
51. Righty or lefty= right

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery = i was 7....got a skin graf
53. First piercing= soph year in hs
54. First best friend= don't really have 1
55. First sport you joined = soccer
56. First vacation= i don't even know
58. First pair of trainers = hmmm

RIGHT NOW
59. Eating = nothing
60. Drinking = nothing
61. I'm about to= go to bed!
62. Listening to = pandora
63. Waiting on = no one

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids? = chyea
65. Get Married? = yes
66. Career? = not sure

WHICH IS BETTER:
67. Lips or eyes= eyes
68. Hugs or kisses= hugs
69. Shorter or taller= taller.
70. Older or Younger = idk i love lil kids - their so carefree but old people are amazing
71. Romantic or spontaneous = both
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = don't matter
73. Sensitive or loud = both
74. Hook-up or relationship = relationship
75. Trouble maker or hesitant= both

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger = no
77. Drank hard liquour = nope
78. Lost glasses/contacts = na
79. Sex on first date= heck NO
80. Broken someone's heart = i know i have hurt people
81. Had your own heartbroken = yea
82. Been arrested = no
83. Turned someone down = kinda...
84. Cried when someone died = duh
85. Fallen for a friend? = yes, didn't turn out so well.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = yes and no
87. Miracles= gotta have faith
88. Love at first sight = in movies
89. Heaven= for sure
90. Santa Claus = haha no
91. Kiss on the first date= ....depends
92. Angels=oh yea

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time= Nope
95. Did you sing today? = lol not well
96. ever cheated on somebody? = no
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? = a year....i would take different classes my fresh year and try the dorm situation differently
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = idk
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? = not sure
100. Posting this as 100 truths? = nope


now that thats over and done with i can get back to my life and go to sleep :)

more beautiful you

As Im getting older I'm realizing that some things matter more then others. Let me explain. I grew up with some pretty nasty achne and my parents never let me live it down. They would constantly make comments like "I see your picking at your face again" or "Are you washing your face? because your really breaking out" not once did they offer an encouraging word unless it was to remind me to wash my face. As I got older my face started to clear but i began to gain weight, and low and behold dad too noticed and didn't forget to let me know that i was looking "chubby" and "thick".

This was all too much for me to handle. I felt defeated, betrayed, alone and ugly. I actually started to eat differently infront of my dad, wear baggier clothes around him. I saw my self differently in the mirror and contemplated skipping a few meals. That was when I became grateful for my migranes because if I don't eat I get them amoungst many other triggers. But I began to realize that this is foolish - I shouldn't care what I look like on the outside...

Psalm 139: 14 was a new truth that helped me mend as well as the song More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz

I wont lie saying that I'm 100 percent confident and comfortable with my appearance but I'm working on it

burnt to a crisp

so last night i knew i was sun burned but this morning i really felt it....my neck, my face, arms and apparently the back of my legs.....the best part is that i will peel then go back to my glowing whiteness!!

i am so thankful that i didn't get a migrane today.

im realizing quickly that when i have young children of my own i will struggle with taking them seriously when they pout because it is the cuttest most pathetic thing ever. i do hope that as a mother i will have as much patience as steph does with her children.

im so stoked to go to helena tomorrow to see the fam....uncles and auntes and the pgas it will be sweet and it will be the first time i see my uncle since his amputation.

swollen knees

hiking is one of my favorite recreational things to do - however it comes at a price. I generally find some way to scrape my knees/legs on; getting sunburned is guarenteed and today it was having my knees swell. :) So my friend mel and i decided to hike the "M" and beyond.....because well, the "M" isn't quite satisfying. Today we went to Mount Baldy and everything hurts.....i don't even have enough energy to talk or smile. For the first time in my life an ice bath actually sounded enjoyable, that's a scary thought.

it was a great day!! I hiked my first peak and got my butt kicked :) and my friend learned how to eat sunflower seeds....."Look mom, no hands!" haha it will be truly amazing if i wake up tomorrow.....oh i hope Hudson sleeps during his nap time...

7 minutes of you time please.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzkuXc2b17c

Missou!!

I love Missoula - it's got that hippie funk, school spirit and above all Hoagieville. One of my closest friends lives in this crazy town so I decided to road trip it down there.... it my first, now I'm hooked. The pass is nothing compared to what my parents warned me of - even tho I have ridden it hundreds of times. I was a little disapointed that my sterio couldn't get a clear station from Anaconda to this town.

Anyway, When I got to Steph's house it was like we were living down the street from each other again....I love that about our relationship.....we can go with out talking for weeks or months and then pick it up right where we left off. She instantly reminded me of the time I hoped in her van thinking it was my fam's new one, what a nerd. Sunday after church we went down town to some international store.....it was AMAZING!! We sat on a stellar bed for an hour dreaming about conning our parents into buying us a junker of a house after she gets back from Jamaica/Africa and building our own furniture - it was marvelous.

I picked my first pineapple and DANG it was tasty....we made pina coladas (non-alcoholic of course).....and we also watched some dude surf the river, that was intense. The rest is basically had to be there moments but amazing memories none the less.... :)

If I only had meat and a hammer......

I'm frustrated. People are so lazy. I am lazy. With that said I will start my rant: I watch the show Jon and Kate plus 8. Most people have read the tabloids, seen the news. I think it's crap that this family may be breaking up - I want to sit them down and shake sense into them. I don't know if the affairs on either side have been confirmed to be true and honestly.....it's none of my business. They profess to be Christians but I feel like they have and are losing sight of what God has called them to be as parents. If I could I would direct them to Ephesians 5, Colossians, 1 Corinthians 13 as well as other passages. I want them to think about the vows they made to each other before God.

On another note.....Does anyone take the Bible seriously anymore? Does anybody read it and think "I actually need to change and start obeying God and the commands he's layed out for me" or do we all just attend church on Sundays with the thought "I have fullfilled my religious duty." For me, no. I don't read my Bible enough thus I don't take it seriously further effecting my view of God which is currently small and unglorifying to someone so awesome and loving that I can't concieve in my mind his love and patience. It's all crap too I mean seriously, we slap the Creator of the world, the sun, the snow, trees, air, bugs, you and me and everything across the face when we don't take him seriously, when we reject him, when we are proud.

Romans 2:13
For merely listening to the law doesn't make us right with God. It is obeying the law that makes us right in his sight.

truth

It's late and I can't sleep. I have so much on my mind right now about this past week.

I've been fighting with mom alot, over everything and anything. We definately don't have the picture perfect mother-daughter relationship that you see in movies, probably because it's in movies.

Tonight I was reading through Colossians and I was convicted. 3:1-17 is a bunch of commands, putting to death deeds of the flesh because they bring the wrath of God and are the ways of the old unregenerate condition. To clothe myself with compassion, kindness, humility. To forgive like Christ forgave and continues to forgive me and be thankful.

This book has also filled me with reminders and encouragement. Chapter 1:12 "giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light." I don't deserve this incredible love and I did nothing to merit myself, everything is from my Creator, my Savior.

I'm just amazed by the faithfulness and fervent love God has for me and for all who accept Christ Jesus as the Son of God who died on the cross to pay for the sins of those who believe.

Beauty from Pain by SuperChick

The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the night

And then the darkness surrounds me

I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over

My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made

I try to keep warm but i just grow colder

I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me

The best i can do is just get through the day

When life before is only a memory

I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though i can't understand why this happened

I know that i will when i look back someday

And see how you've brought beauty from ashes

And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me

Tryin to hold to what i can't see

I forgot how to hope

This night's been so long

I cling to Your promise

There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Today

Today I got two fish named them Bud and Light.....more to be obnoxious then as a tribute to alcohol, because I don't drink. Well, along with Light one of my snails died.....like 6 hours after I got them.....HAHA.

Happiest Millionaire is a great movie!! Good 'Ol clean classic musical fun!! "What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that?" Just think Marry Poppins or Sound of Music and you basically got the idea.

Colossians 2:6 and 7;
"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."

I need to go find a job ASAP!

ps. got my ears pierced today.....no body knows HAHA its nothing big - just my second hole on both.

Basketball is my escape - when I'm having a bummer of a day I take it to the court and leave it on the court, put all my anger and emotion into the game that I stop dwelling on whatever was bugging me.

kradARkrad

The saw chips and chunks fly in every direction
blood oozing flooding her flesh
the images inscribed in my mind
wont go away as hard as I try
tears streaming my face
this blade cuts my steak like butter
at night I see her hangin by a thread
with a gunshot to the head
hand layin on the floor dead
awake in a cold sweat
wont fall back asleep for fear that it will come true
these dreams too dark for a child
should still have monsters under the bed
gotta get this living nightmare outta my head
It’s been four years
and the clocks still ticking
yet I'm here waiting
scared I lay my head on my pillow at night
wondering if it will start again…..

My God is Enough For Me

"I've had enough of living life for only me

And reaching just for the things that keep destroying me

So sick of envying the lWhy ives of so many I see

Somehow believing that they have what I need



My God's enough for me

This world has nothing I need

In this whole life I've seen My God's enough, enough for me



I can't explain why I suffer though I live for You

Those who deny You they have it better than I do

Cover my eyes now so that my heart can finally see

That in the end only You mean anything



Who have I in heaven but You

Nothing I desire but You

My heart may fail but not You

You are mine forever"



Why do I find myself being afraid of people? Of wanting what others have? Most of them don't have what they need - what I have, that which I neglect and take advantage of. I randomly came across this song by Barlow Girl the lyrics taken from Psalm 73 on Limewire then listened to it over and over and over.....on an airplane which then sent me on a journey....



It started with the verse Psalm 73:26 NIV

"My flesh and my heart may fail me but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

I turned to my attention to the word PORTION and while I didn't have a dictionary I started thinking about various definitions and similar words and came up with: to be full, sufficient, satisfaction, enough, maximum, a part of a whole, Websters defines it as: a share recieved by gift, an individual's lot, fate or fortune.

God didn't give me a spirit of timidity but of power. I can't act in fear and cowardness for my entire life or it will be wasted and meaningless. Lately I have been thinking about my lack of self confidence - in my appearance - in front of people and in general. To some degree I don't care what people think of me - most of that's talk bc deep down I care a lot and occasionally it causes me to worry and stress out about my breakouts. My identity is in Christ ALONE. 1 Timothy reminded me of that today.

In Christ Alone:
"In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone,
Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand."

What am I doing with my time? Clearly not spending enough of it with God by being in His word or in prayer. I am finding myself at war with legalism and licentious living but God directs me through life into situations that refocuses me - puts me back on that trajectory that is the only way to Him - the Christ centered trajectory.

Father God thank you for not giving up on me, for constantly loving me even when I am consumed in my pride. God you have promiced me that you will never leave me or forsake me, that when my family and friends pass through my life that you are still with me. I can trust you in that God please help me to trust you in all areas of life God because I can't do it on my own. Father please reveil to my areas of my life where Satan has footholds. Lord you have given me a spirit of power/confidence and strength - Lord teach me how to be that in humilty and submission of your will. Abba thank you for sending your son Christ to pay my ransom on the cross. Amen.

Arizona

From Pheonix to Flagstaff and back - it was a trip I will never forget. So the team left me at the airport - they didn't drive off but they forgot about me long enough for them to load the bus and me to get completely confused as to where they disappeared to. Luckily for the invention of portable phones I was able to track them down and find the bus parked just outside of the baggage claim. Haha then on the drive back to Pheonix from Flagstaff, I had to go "potty" really bad and couldn't fight the urge for another 2 hours so I worked my way back and JH made some comment about me using the bathroom and comparing it to an earthquake. So there I was thinking about wonderful sleep and keeping balance - because it was like a quake and a 10 at that! Mid thought about safety incase the bus tipped I thought that there was a convenient "shelf" to cram in if needed. To my shock as I was redressing I thought I saw something move where the shelf was - I screamed LOUD then burst a gut laughing because to my dimay - it was my reflection. The shelf was actually a mirror reflecting the wall to my right in such a manner that it resembled a shelf. JH called out "Is everything okay in there" and i msutered up enough composure to expell a high squeel "ya I'm fine" Good Golly it took me another half hour to stop giggling and crying from the stupidity of it all.....maybe I really should be a blonde. ;)