Sunday, August 31, 2008

Okay fine I will clean my room

Dude seriously? I am in the middle of an argument online with one of my friends about cleaning my room. DUDE I am 19, I don't think I need the entire galletin valley on me about cleaning my room or perhaps I do considering there are 10 people out side of my family pestering me about it. Gosh!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Breaking Point = Saving Point


Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt? I have or rather I am to many people but mainly two. Two of my newest friends have impacted my life so much, just showing me the reality of the lack of hope in their lives.


They are so lost, like a child straying away from his father. Actually that's exactly what has happend. My friend's are God's children, his creation and they don't acknowledge that, they don't even understand what that means. For them it would be being accepted, loved unconditionally, God doesn't see them as "fuck ups" or "worthless pieces of shit". It would mean hope, real hope. It would mean a future, something to live for. One of them is searching, he's so close but keeps falling short - no one knows what I mean better than my girl Mel, she knows better than I do. So Im sure the pain in my heart is only a fraction of what she's feeling in her's.

My other friend is so far, he knows somethings missing in his life - but he wont explore it, not even question it. Instead he just tries to fill the void by ignoring it, with relationships he calls "love", giving his all to his family and friends for nothing in return. His fix is a handful of rolaids and immodium. He pushes himself over his breaking point and is still holding on, and fighting. I just wonder how much longer he's got that fight in him because he's losing. He's losing his health and his strength. And he's only 26.

God knows their hearts better then they do, He knows the point at which they will surrender and turn to Christ on the cross, and that's where my hope is at, what I'm praying for. What I cry over, why my heart breaks.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Do guys really listen?

I really want and need to know if guys even listen when a girl talks to them. I am steamed and I don't see that changing soon. It seems to me that they never mature they will forever be fags and sexually driven by the prettiest girl in the room. Whoever said chilvary is dead wasn't lying. While in California I spent plenty of time with the male species aged 19 to 35 and even when they were sober they were still pig headed. My posed question is due to the fact that after much conversing with one of my male friends, he still talks about things that I told him I found innapropriate. He's 26 years old, why would he think I have feelings for him, and why would he tell me he has feelings for me a 19 year old - hmmmmm. I feel like he gets all of his lines out of a book because they are freaking cheesy and rediculous. I don't know how many times I have told him that things will never work out because WE BELIEVE IN DIFFERENT THINGS - I love the guy to death as a FRIEND it will never be more because we have polar oposite beliefs and focus' in life. My life is centered around Jesus Christ. His isn't. I made myself a promice a long time ago that I would never date a non-believer, have sex before marriage, live with a boyfriend before marriage. Im not about to even consider compromising that and dropping it for some guy. Im not that type of girl that is going to be whatever the guy wants me to be Hell No Fuck that -pardon my french - He better like me in sweats because that's the garb im generally found in that and baggy blue jeans. I like the lyrics to this song its called Not The One by ZoeGirl

Sick of all the games
This story's getting old
It's time for a change
I'm gonna take controlI
'm not an object or possession
You played with the wrong girl
And you don't own me anymore

The game of love is overrated
It's not real, I'm tired of playing

You can try to pull me in with promises
You don't intend to keep
You can try to put the pressure on
But baby, I'm not that naive
You can try to break me, try to hurt me
Till the walls fall all around me
But you can never make me feel unloved
'Cause you're not the one

I am stronger than you know
I'm smarter than you think
Not made of stone
But I stand on my own feet
I'm not your mother or your keeper
I'm not your average girl
'Cause I know what I'm living for

You can try to pull me in with promises
You don't intend to keep
You can try to put the pressure on
But baby, I'm not that naive
You can try to break me, try to hurt me
Till the sky falls all around me
But you can never make me feel unloved
'Cause you're not the one

You can try to break me, try to hurt me
Till the sky falls all around me
Now I know what I'm living for
You can try to break me, try to hurt me
Till the sky falls all around me
You're not the one, you're not the one

Now not all guys are like this I know quite a few good one who are real keepers but most of them are taken haha so congrats to all you lucky girls who have landed a real man and to all you real men - thank you for treating us girls not like a possession or some number but as a human with feelings and needs. All my love ~ Rachel

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

headed home

As I sat in the middle seat of the large airplane headed toward Denver from San Fran I was deep in thought with a heavy heart. I was disapointed that the two weeks came and gone so fast, that it was time to go back to "my life" - work, responsibilty, a messy room, my family....I was excited but sad. On the plane I kept thinking about my new friends and just recaping the whole trip.I went into the trip thinking I was going to spend two weeks away from drama and my family and just waste time hanging out having fun.

While I had fun my eyes were open to so much: (these are as they come to mind so no order of importance)
1st - I take my family for granted. They love me so much and ask me to little things but I frequently act like they and their tasks are an inconvience to my living and breathing. my new outlook on my family is that they love me and don't think of me as a fuck up or a worthless piece of shit - no matter how bad and often I make mistakes, they are always there for me.
2nd - When times are hard, I have a hope that they will end and that good will come from it at some point. That hope is in Christ. I have that perspective with me because I saw some crazy hard times with my friends that I stayed with, as R's mom loses her vision and the death of his uncle. C's fam doesn't give a crap about him...I don't feel like I should disclose their personal issues.

These two things are huge and have greatly impacted my life - I hope all who read will hold me to this when they hear me complain about my fam or my situation.

So while I got away from my drama I entered a whole new level of drama, it kept things interesting and I am very greatful to be back in mine. However the high lights of the trip:

Well to start things off in Denver I had a blonde moment or a "classic Rachel moment". My friend Mel and I were trying to locate our gate during our layover and decided to use the conveyor belt to "speed walk" down the air port wing. Well the second I stepped on I lost my balance and smacked Mel in the face with my right hand as my left hand grasped the side rail. Needless to say the onlookers gave me a look that suggested i needed the word STUPID stamped across my face. However Mel and I got a pretty good kick out of it - for days.
The second thing that sticks out in my mind was Aiden, a seven year old boy that we got to spend a bit of time with. He named his grandmothers cow "cake" which wasn't very suprising considering this kid was fat as well as incredibly gullible, more so than i!! shocker i know. Mel and I got him to believe that Mel was a mind reader. For instance, he said he was six but his birthday was coming up that weekend and with out missing a beat Melissa concluded, "so you'll be seven" wide eyes and mystified, aiden said "How did you know?"
I had a few other rachel moments like linking trany to transmition and thinking a house light was Saturn, hey it was in the distance and really dark out. I claimed to have eaten a bowl of Captian Retardo for breakfast those mornings as well.

All in all it was a good trip - Mel and I lost quite a bit of weight due to the fact that no one seems to eat in Cali. It was my first trip w/o the fam and certainly not the last. It was a good way to end my first "school year" in college. I am no longer scared of flying by myself - meaning with out supervision (aka: no one holding my hand or showing me where to go). Next summer I want to take some small trips around Montana to random places that have things to do - like to Polson to swim in the river and lake, go to Kalispell to the gravity house....but for right now I am so excited for school - more than I have ever been! My credit load is small but the classes are going to be tough. I'm so stoked to see what God has for my life in the coming school year!

until then - peace.