from the inside out.

My life is as disorganized as my room
nothing in order or having proper place
everything feels cluttered
its getting up under my skin
its never ending just building and building
suffocating my patience
i feel so disoriented so lost and alone
i can't even find Jesus
because i am back on the thrown
nothing feels right nothing feels real
except for the pain in my chest
that is telling me i'm alive and saying "I'm here"
I know that voice, its the Lord my God
he wants everything my fear my pride
layed down before him
He'll clean up my life
Selfishly I say "No, I'm fine on my own"
It was prideful independence that nailed him to that tree
I might as well have a hammer in hand and a smile on my face
I'm torn in two at war in my heart
I'm the the battle - to sin I have lost
With my words actions attitude and thoughts
It all comes at a cost
But the price has been paid
Some two thousand years ago
Not a cash compensation, not an exchange of material things
just the life layed down, a sacrifice by God's own son.
When I look at that cross and the man I nailed to it
I remember my place amidst this cluddered space.
I will prioritize my life with God first
Do all for His Glory because it's what he asks.
I'm sorry Lord for leaving you behind
I got wrapped up in my selfish pride
Thinking I was number one
yet I would never freely stand in front of a gun
I am strongest when I am weak
and weakest when I'm strong
Father God teach me right from wrong.


this is just something i wrote to express what i have been feeling inside. they are as things came to mind and standing in front of a gun is to be taken as standing up for what i believe in and/or taking a bullet for family or friends. im really not who i want to be right now. i hate that i swear and that i cant ask for help (pride) and that im independent and think that i can do things on my own (pride). for the first time in my life my messy room is driving me crazy but because i am not on top of my studies as well as i should be i dont have the time or energy to put forth the time and energy to clean my room and stay on top of that. i am just too lazy for my own good and its going to bite me in the butt sooner than later and i think its guna be real soon, which scares me, a lot.

Deep

John Stott: "Every time we look at the cross Christ seems to be saying to us, 'I am here because of you. It is your sin I am bearing, your curse I am suffering, your debt I am paying, your death I am dying.' Nothing in history or in the universe cuts us down to size like the cross. All of us have inflated views of ourselves, especially in self-righteousness, until we have visited a place called Calvary. It is there, at the foot of the cross, that we shrink to our true size."

Yesterday I was apart of this amazing convo at lunch with my Pastor, the leader of the worship team and some friends. One of my friends is known for his abstract ways of thinking and needless to say I was convicted and encouraged. It was cool to see that tho the question was directed to my Pastor, we were all invited to listen and express our ideas and questions. Later that night this same friend and I talked on Fbook chat and at first it was small talk about the tastiness of orange juice but then it turned into him helping me understand and clarify somethings. He asked me if I have ever seen the Good News and I had to think about it. I mean yes, I have heard it but have I seen it in my life and I answered yes to some degree but I feel like I have only skimmed the top, and that there is so much more to it.

Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go


I love this song - I randomly found it on iTunes and it's such a great reminder and it makes me want to get my tattoo that I have wanted for almost a year now....ahhhh. :D peace.

History in the making

So I had a "boyfriend" for a week, it was my first and my last - for awhile anyways. I broke it off due to the fact that he wasn't my type and I really wasn't interested nor had the proper amount of time or energy to put forth what it would take. He kinda freaked me out a little bit too in the sence that he started liking everything i like and disliked everything i dispize. I kinda feel crappy for putting him through that but at least I never lied to him, I was myself. He lives in California and we are just from two seperate worlds - I'm a small town girl and he definately is from a place where judging people by race, sexual orientation, etc. I was so deeply offended because I know people from mexico, and people who are black and they are some of the coolest people I know. I know people who are over-weight. To judge someone by their outward appearance is wrong. God made them too and loves them just as much.

YAYness

So you can now see about 75% of my bedroom floor!!! I have come to realize that I am a lot more determined and productive if it becomes a challenge or competition. But now that no one challenging me - I am no longer motivated, thus I am sitting on my butt talking on the phone and IMing...