Im listening to this song by switchfoot called: this is your life; and the chorus says: this is your life, are you who you want to be? and im just thinking about it - am i who i want to be, is my life everything that i dreamed that it would be?

No.

I am not who i want to be and its not what i dreamed.

Sometimes i catch myself thinking that if i just change something externally then that would be enough - or if i stay busy then i wont have time to think about why i am so sad. i just want to be numb for even a minute - where im not slammed in the face by the reality of life. I want to get away from the fear and saddness of knowing some of my childhood friends are being deployed to Iraq in september. I want to know that i will have a relationship with my brother after his wedding...