On the light side

So today i was sharing some words with my coach and he said that my blogs were "too deep" for him. My appologies. So here's something a little lighter. You may laugh, shake your head, even have the urge to thwap me on the forehead, please do "gently" :)

As a child do you recall hiding from the world under the kitchen table with scissors in hand about to face the doom of being bald as a reprecussion from cutting a large sum of hair from your head? Ah, yes we all do, don't be embarressed. Well I was that child, who was scared to face her parents with an uneven hair do, thus i chopped holes in my socks. That however still resulted in a spanking and groundation. :(

Today tho, I reentered that time. Yes, I succombed to that 6 year old self. Sadly I could not obtain the traditions for squatting under the kitchen tabel - simply because my stature would have made this task rediculously unattainable.

So there I stood infront of the mirror, scissors in hand, contemplating the hack job that I was about to step into. Now it was only my bangs, and just a trim but boy oh boy there is a reason that I pay someone the big bucks to do this for me :)

Currently I am speculating the many reasons/excuses to tell my parents.
1. I find it rediculous to pay any amount of money for a simple bang trim
2. It's just hair, it will grow back
3. (specifically for my dad) Just tryin to get rid of some of the black
4. This is why God invented bobby-pins and Hats
5. At lease it's not my whole head
....that's all i got

help a sista out?

Attention!

FYI: It's hard talking to the guy you like when all he talks about is how gorgeous this other girl is.

the LOvE of my life!

Her name is Naa Lamely. Her name is Isabella Quarcopome. She's 7 years old. I've only seen her in pictures, talked to her on paper. But I have wept over her, I have been overjoyed by her, I have been encouraged and heartbroken. If there was ever such a word to sum up all my emotions; it would be Love. I have never loved someone so hard before, so complete. All of her letters are pinned to my walls. My heart hurts because I can't wipe her tears, calm her fears, play with her, share in her excitement. I often contemplate why I was born into such a place where I have more than I need, yet not everything I want. I am I able to walk out my front door and feel safe walking across town, why can't she feel that way to? Late last spring I made the descision to celebrate my birthday but not with gifts but celebrating my life, my health, my accomplishments, my failures with my family. Yes, we still had cake and a special dinner but I didn't get gifts, except a check for what my parents would have spent on gifts made out of Compassion for Isabella's family. My needs for daily living are taken care of, I have water and clean at that. I have clothes (too many). I have food and plenty of it in the cupboards and fridge but let it go to waste because I prefer something else. She brings so much humility to my life. Whenever I get too proud or when my focus is off, she centers me. God has used her as such a blessing in my life. I just hope that one day I will get to see her face to face, I eagerly await.

Fake wanting to be Real

Hypocrisy - we all have it. We all say one thing and do the opposite or don't do it at all.

I'm in the process of "cleaning house" - not only physically but spiritually, mentally. I'm attempting to keep my room and bathroom clean by making sure everything has its proper place and if there is no place I will either make one or simply rid myself from it.

A few years ago most people would probably consider me a nun because I simply did not listen to anything but Christian music. I didn't watch tv (still don't). and I never cursed. Present day?? I listen to songs that aren't demeaning of people (except for Your So Gay : katy perry) but definately listen to secular music. I also have grown acustom to droppin the F bomb and such things. I have completely lost all my convictions and I'm not proud of that because it's taken a serious toll on my relationship with God.

Sure I can place blame on being public schooled and my parents swearing in the home but that doesn't justify my actions and my choices. That's kinda like saying, "A man is having an affair" when really that man, is commiting Adultry. It's just sugar coating it.

So to clean this area up is to put off my swearing and to put on righteousness in the form of Scripture memorization:

• Matthew 15: 8 "These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me."
• Matthew 15: 11 "What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean.'"
• James 3: 6-10 "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can ame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise out Lord and Father, and with it we curese men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be."

This isn't going to be easy but I have friends who are holding me accountable. :D

I just feel like I am called to be more in life. I can't keep skimming the serface. It's like what Coach Bin said a few weeks ago, that we can't win a championship by doing the bare minimum and hoping others will pick up the slack for us. No, I have to do everything at a 100% a hundred percent of the time. Always striving to do better, be better. Which gives me incentive to work out, control my tongue, keep my room cleaned and pass my classes. I have been a slacker long enough, now it's time to be proactive!

YAY for self peptalks! :D

XOXO

from the inside out.

My life is as disorganized as my room
nothing in order or having proper place
everything feels cluttered
its getting up under my skin
its never ending just building and building
suffocating my patience
i feel so disoriented so lost and alone
i can't even find Jesus
because i am back on the thrown
nothing feels right nothing feels real
except for the pain in my chest
that is telling me i'm alive and saying "I'm here"
I know that voice, its the Lord my God
he wants everything my fear my pride
layed down before him
He'll clean up my life
Selfishly I say "No, I'm fine on my own"
It was prideful independence that nailed him to that tree
I might as well have a hammer in hand and a smile on my face
I'm torn in two at war in my heart
I'm the the battle - to sin I have lost
With my words actions attitude and thoughts
It all comes at a cost
But the price has been paid
Some two thousand years ago
Not a cash compensation, not an exchange of material things
just the life layed down, a sacrifice by God's own son.
When I look at that cross and the man I nailed to it
I remember my place amidst this cluddered space.
I will prioritize my life with God first
Do all for His Glory because it's what he asks.
I'm sorry Lord for leaving you behind
I got wrapped up in my selfish pride
Thinking I was number one
yet I would never freely stand in front of a gun
I am strongest when I am weak
and weakest when I'm strong
Father God teach me right from wrong.


this is just something i wrote to express what i have been feeling inside. they are as things came to mind and standing in front of a gun is to be taken as standing up for what i believe in and/or taking a bullet for family or friends. im really not who i want to be right now. i hate that i swear and that i cant ask for help (pride) and that im independent and think that i can do things on my own (pride). for the first time in my life my messy room is driving me crazy but because i am not on top of my studies as well as i should be i dont have the time or energy to put forth the time and energy to clean my room and stay on top of that. i am just too lazy for my own good and its going to bite me in the butt sooner than later and i think its guna be real soon, which scares me, a lot.

Deep

John Stott: "Every time we look at the cross Christ seems to be saying to us, 'I am here because of you. It is your sin I am bearing, your curse I am suffering, your debt I am paying, your death I am dying.' Nothing in history or in the universe cuts us down to size like the cross. All of us have inflated views of ourselves, especially in self-righteousness, until we have visited a place called Calvary. It is there, at the foot of the cross, that we shrink to our true size."

Yesterday I was apart of this amazing convo at lunch with my Pastor, the leader of the worship team and some friends. One of my friends is known for his abstract ways of thinking and needless to say I was convicted and encouraged. It was cool to see that tho the question was directed to my Pastor, we were all invited to listen and express our ideas and questions. Later that night this same friend and I talked on Fbook chat and at first it was small talk about the tastiness of orange juice but then it turned into him helping me understand and clarify somethings. He asked me if I have ever seen the Good News and I had to think about it. I mean yes, I have heard it but have I seen it in my life and I answered yes to some degree but I feel like I have only skimmed the top, and that there is so much more to it.

Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go


I love this song - I randomly found it on iTunes and it's such a great reminder and it makes me want to get my tattoo that I have wanted for almost a year now....ahhhh. :D peace.