update.

it's graduation weekend, not mine (I wish!!) but my kid brother. He is stepping out of the world where everything can be made better by mom and dad and into the world being on his own. He is graduating high school on Sunday. I am so stoked for him and I find myself reflecting how in 3 short years how far he has come and how much he has grown but how much he has left to learn. At 18 he thinks he knows it all, like we all did and still tend to do. He was the big man on campus, maybe not liked by all but certainly known by most. my hope for him is that he learns to value his education especially now that it wont be "free"

The last few weeks I have been thinking about how far i have come too. 3 years of college completed 1.5 to go. WoW it has gone by fast, that is for sure. I still have no idea what I want to do with my degree...will i even use it?

I can't find a job. 25 applications turned in and only 1 interview...sucky. Nothing new has been posted that I am remotely qualified for so I have been getting used to staying in my room all week. I think I am becoming lazy, actually I know I am. I wish I had the money to be in summer school. I have been in the blahs for a while so I watched season 9 of Biggest Loser - drama drama drama but I think its really neat how they have changed in 6 months. I should work out...

Speaking of work and school...I have a choice that I have to make. Do I manage basketball or do I get a job and work the rest of school? BLAH. I still don't know.

as for changing being in the blahs...I am cutting my hair tonight! saweet....hopefully it turns out. and i do need to start working out, i am not over weight but i would like to be in shape.

Stress

So a few interesting facts about stress...being over stimulated to stress can weaken your immune system and over time makes you more susceptible to chronic diseases such as hypertension, high blood pressure, chronic fatigue, gastrointestinal disorders and even premature death. I don't believe in premature death, because as a Christian, I believe that God has allowed us to live a certain number of years, weeks, maybe even just a few brief moments. We can't merit anymore years or end our life early with out Him knowing and allowing it. That said, we have a choice how to live. We can choose to surround ourselves with stressful relationships and jobs ending up 6 feet under with preventable diseases if we only chose another way of life.

I am at a cross roads. Do I continue traveling on the path of least resistance or do I mix it up and try something new to save my health in the long run? Do I make my decision based on the desires of others or what is genuinely best for me?

BAH. decisions.

falling

This fall semester has been mad chaos. I got promoted to Film Exchange Coordinator for the WBB team which is sweet, it's cool knowing that I'm considered to be reliable, however with that being said I feel like I'm not giving it my best. The system is crazy having it over email, two different exchange programs as well as snail mail or FedEx and the phone. I'm struggling with prioritizing my duties because there will be times I pass up doing my homework and studying to make sure emails are sent or responded to. The next week it seems that I am totally focused on my school work because I have papers and exams and projects with impending due dates.

I put too much pressure on myself to do my work well all the while procrastinating and not keeping organized. I refuse to stop a task in the middle, I seek completion.

The End.

I Flu with the Pigs this week

Monday: 100%
Tuesday: Horrid Cough and felt like I had been hit be a truck
Wednesday: See Tuesday and add 101.5 degree fever
Thursday: Symptoms of a bad cold with a bad cough
Friday:.....We shall see.

I don't like missing school or practice and I think I hate laying around at home alone even more. I feel worthless and that makes me cranky.

Movies watched:
Sunday - Where the Wild Things Are - LOVED IT!!!
Wednesday - Footloose - Until dad stole the remote PSH
Thursday - Proposal - FUNNY, Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock work well together :)
- Blazing Saddles - Random and funny, a good ol western
Friday - I will be pulling something off the ol shelves I think.

i'm so sorry.

your soft blue eyes pierced my heart
were you angry or embarressed?
i fought back the tears
feeling helpless watching you helpless.
in the stall
my ignorance fired heated questions Above
asking why why why
with every tear that ran down my face.

Dreams....

When I was younger I wanted to be a professional singer. I can't carry a tune to save my life and my little brother frequently reminds me of that to this day.

I also wanted to be a professional basketball player. I hyperextended my back to the point where I am at risk of herniating a disk and actually breaking my back. (I'm desperately avoiding cracks in the walkway at all costs)

My dreams became more realistic as I aged. I wanted to be a teacher, of P.E. or Algebra 1. My little brother helped me learn that teaching doesn't come naturally to me. This dream carried me through much of middle school and all most all of high school.

Senior year in Mr. Griffiths Human Geography class this changed. We watched a film about the genocide in Rowanda and something in me snapped to attention. I began to wonder how many of these men, women and children invovled died without knowing or hearing the Good News. I became grieved knowing the answer was many. I have wanted to go to Africa ever since.

At MSU, my major is focused on child health/services and developement. After taking Human Sexuality and learning about FGM (femail genital mutilation) an interest in women's studies has sparked and wanting to teach women in less developed countries about taking care of their bodies - and help these nations view women and girls more as equals and less like objects.

After MSU I want to persue Biblical teaching either at MBC here in Bozeman or at EBC in L.A.



Please visit this website if you would like to learn more about FGM. http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs241/en/

moving on

Moving has never settled well with me. While I'm used to moving I just don't like it, leaving good friends behind for a place with strangers and hundreds of unknowns. Get me in a situation like that and I don't talk or look people in the eye. While I'm not the one moving, my heart still feels like it's being torn out and stepped on. I feel alone.