truth

It's late and I can't sleep. I have so much on my mind right now about this past week.

I've been fighting with mom alot, over everything and anything. We definately don't have the picture perfect mother-daughter relationship that you see in movies, probably because it's in movies.

Tonight I was reading through Colossians and I was convicted. 3:1-17 is a bunch of commands, putting to death deeds of the flesh because they bring the wrath of God and are the ways of the old unregenerate condition. To clothe myself with compassion, kindness, humility. To forgive like Christ forgave and continues to forgive me and be thankful.

This book has also filled me with reminders and encouragement. Chapter 1:12 "giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light." I don't deserve this incredible love and I did nothing to merit myself, everything is from my Creator, my Savior.

I'm just amazed by the faithfulness and fervent love God has for me and for all who accept Christ Jesus as the Son of God who died on the cross to pay for the sins of those who believe.

Beauty from Pain by SuperChick

The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the night

And then the darkness surrounds me

I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over

My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made

I try to keep warm but i just grow colder

I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me

The best i can do is just get through the day

When life before is only a memory

I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though i can't understand why this happened

I know that i will when i look back someday

And see how you've brought beauty from ashes

And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me

Tryin to hold to what i can't see

I forgot how to hope

This night's been so long

I cling to Your promise

There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Today

Today I got two fish named them Bud and Light.....more to be obnoxious then as a tribute to alcohol, because I don't drink. Well, along with Light one of my snails died.....like 6 hours after I got them.....HAHA.

Happiest Millionaire is a great movie!! Good 'Ol clean classic musical fun!! "What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that?" Just think Marry Poppins or Sound of Music and you basically got the idea.

Colossians 2:6 and 7;
"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."

I need to go find a job ASAP!

ps. got my ears pierced today.....no body knows HAHA its nothing big - just my second hole on both.

Basketball is my escape - when I'm having a bummer of a day I take it to the court and leave it on the court, put all my anger and emotion into the game that I stop dwelling on whatever was bugging me.

kradARkrad

The saw chips and chunks fly in every direction
blood oozing flooding her flesh
the images inscribed in my mind
wont go away as hard as I try
tears streaming my face
this blade cuts my steak like butter
at night I see her hangin by a thread
with a gunshot to the head
hand layin on the floor dead
awake in a cold sweat
wont fall back asleep for fear that it will come true
these dreams too dark for a child
should still have monsters under the bed
gotta get this living nightmare outta my head
It’s been four years
and the clocks still ticking
yet I'm here waiting
scared I lay my head on my pillow at night
wondering if it will start again…..

My God is Enough For Me

"I've had enough of living life for only me

And reaching just for the things that keep destroying me

So sick of envying the lWhy ives of so many I see

Somehow believing that they have what I need



My God's enough for me

This world has nothing I need

In this whole life I've seen My God's enough, enough for me



I can't explain why I suffer though I live for You

Those who deny You they have it better than I do

Cover my eyes now so that my heart can finally see

That in the end only You mean anything



Who have I in heaven but You

Nothing I desire but You

My heart may fail but not You

You are mine forever"



Why do I find myself being afraid of people? Of wanting what others have? Most of them don't have what they need - what I have, that which I neglect and take advantage of. I randomly came across this song by Barlow Girl the lyrics taken from Psalm 73 on Limewire then listened to it over and over and over.....on an airplane which then sent me on a journey....



It started with the verse Psalm 73:26 NIV

"My flesh and my heart may fail me but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

I turned to my attention to the word PORTION and while I didn't have a dictionary I started thinking about various definitions and similar words and came up with: to be full, sufficient, satisfaction, enough, maximum, a part of a whole, Websters defines it as: a share recieved by gift, an individual's lot, fate or fortune.

God didn't give me a spirit of timidity but of power. I can't act in fear and cowardness for my entire life or it will be wasted and meaningless. Lately I have been thinking about my lack of self confidence - in my appearance - in front of people and in general. To some degree I don't care what people think of me - most of that's talk bc deep down I care a lot and occasionally it causes me to worry and stress out about my breakouts. My identity is in Christ ALONE. 1 Timothy reminded me of that today.

In Christ Alone:
"In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone,
Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand."

What am I doing with my time? Clearly not spending enough of it with God by being in His word or in prayer. I am finding myself at war with legalism and licentious living but God directs me through life into situations that refocuses me - puts me back on that trajectory that is the only way to Him - the Christ centered trajectory.

Father God thank you for not giving up on me, for constantly loving me even when I am consumed in my pride. God you have promiced me that you will never leave me or forsake me, that when my family and friends pass through my life that you are still with me. I can trust you in that God please help me to trust you in all areas of life God because I can't do it on my own. Father please reveil to my areas of my life where Satan has footholds. Lord you have given me a spirit of power/confidence and strength - Lord teach me how to be that in humilty and submission of your will. Abba thank you for sending your son Christ to pay my ransom on the cross. Amen.

Arizona

From Pheonix to Flagstaff and back - it was a trip I will never forget. So the team left me at the airport - they didn't drive off but they forgot about me long enough for them to load the bus and me to get completely confused as to where they disappeared to. Luckily for the invention of portable phones I was able to track them down and find the bus parked just outside of the baggage claim. Haha then on the drive back to Pheonix from Flagstaff, I had to go "potty" really bad and couldn't fight the urge for another 2 hours so I worked my way back and JH made some comment about me using the bathroom and comparing it to an earthquake. So there I was thinking about wonderful sleep and keeping balance - because it was like a quake and a 10 at that! Mid thought about safety incase the bus tipped I thought that there was a convenient "shelf" to cram in if needed. To my shock as I was redressing I thought I saw something move where the shelf was - I screamed LOUD then burst a gut laughing because to my dimay - it was my reflection. The shelf was actually a mirror reflecting the wall to my right in such a manner that it resembled a shelf. JH called out "Is everything okay in there" and i msutered up enough composure to expell a high squeel "ya I'm fine" Good Golly it took me another half hour to stop giggling and crying from the stupidity of it all.....maybe I really should be a blonde. ;)