My God is Enough For Me

"I've had enough of living life for only me

And reaching just for the things that keep destroying me

So sick of envying the lWhy ives of so many I see

Somehow believing that they have what I need



My God's enough for me

This world has nothing I need

In this whole life I've seen My God's enough, enough for me



I can't explain why I suffer though I live for You

Those who deny You they have it better than I do

Cover my eyes now so that my heart can finally see

That in the end only You mean anything



Who have I in heaven but You

Nothing I desire but You

My heart may fail but not You

You are mine forever"



Why do I find myself being afraid of people? Of wanting what others have? Most of them don't have what they need - what I have, that which I neglect and take advantage of. I randomly came across this song by Barlow Girl the lyrics taken from Psalm 73 on Limewire then listened to it over and over and over.....on an airplane which then sent me on a journey....



It started with the verse Psalm 73:26 NIV

"My flesh and my heart may fail me but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

I turned to my attention to the word PORTION and while I didn't have a dictionary I started thinking about various definitions and similar words and came up with: to be full, sufficient, satisfaction, enough, maximum, a part of a whole, Websters defines it as: a share recieved by gift, an individual's lot, fate or fortune.

God didn't give me a spirit of timidity but of power. I can't act in fear and cowardness for my entire life or it will be wasted and meaningless. Lately I have been thinking about my lack of self confidence - in my appearance - in front of people and in general. To some degree I don't care what people think of me - most of that's talk bc deep down I care a lot and occasionally it causes me to worry and stress out about my breakouts. My identity is in Christ ALONE. 1 Timothy reminded me of that today.

In Christ Alone:
"In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone,
Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand."

What am I doing with my time? Clearly not spending enough of it with God by being in His word or in prayer. I am finding myself at war with legalism and licentious living but God directs me through life into situations that refocuses me - puts me back on that trajectory that is the only way to Him - the Christ centered trajectory.

Father God thank you for not giving up on me, for constantly loving me even when I am consumed in my pride. God you have promiced me that you will never leave me or forsake me, that when my family and friends pass through my life that you are still with me. I can trust you in that God please help me to trust you in all areas of life God because I can't do it on my own. Father please reveil to my areas of my life where Satan has footholds. Lord you have given me a spirit of power/confidence and strength - Lord teach me how to be that in humilty and submission of your will. Abba thank you for sending your son Christ to pay my ransom on the cross. Amen.

Arizona

From Pheonix to Flagstaff and back - it was a trip I will never forget. So the team left me at the airport - they didn't drive off but they forgot about me long enough for them to load the bus and me to get completely confused as to where they disappeared to. Luckily for the invention of portable phones I was able to track them down and find the bus parked just outside of the baggage claim. Haha then on the drive back to Pheonix from Flagstaff, I had to go "potty" really bad and couldn't fight the urge for another 2 hours so I worked my way back and JH made some comment about me using the bathroom and comparing it to an earthquake. So there I was thinking about wonderful sleep and keeping balance - because it was like a quake and a 10 at that! Mid thought about safety incase the bus tipped I thought that there was a convenient "shelf" to cram in if needed. To my shock as I was redressing I thought I saw something move where the shelf was - I screamed LOUD then burst a gut laughing because to my dimay - it was my reflection. The shelf was actually a mirror reflecting the wall to my right in such a manner that it resembled a shelf. JH called out "Is everything okay in there" and i msutered up enough composure to expell a high squeel "ya I'm fine" Good Golly it took me another half hour to stop giggling and crying from the stupidity of it all.....maybe I really should be a blonde. ;)

fear

I see her status
My heart caves in
I can't do this again and again
I thought I let go
Guess I never will

The pain is skin deep
but pierces my inner being
My heart cries out the sorrow from before
for fear of it happening once more

Holiday Fever

My new nickname is scrooge. Ba Humbug. Yes, this Christmas season I am finding it difficult to muster up the Holiday Cheer. It's not that I am not getting the things I wanted but that I AM getting the things I want. Simplicity seems so desirable currently - looking around and seeing how much we all have yet how we don't take care of it because something newer and better will come along and will soon replace it. The Christmas Rituals are empty, no longer satisfying. The big feast, the opening of gifts. What's the meaning and purpose behind it? It's not all bad I realize but there is a greater and deeper meaning to this Holiday that many Christians often kept on the back burner. Christmas is more then the celebration of Christ's birth but the start of God's plan to bring the elect to Him, for us to have closeness - relationship. So that we can be saved from Hell an eternity of seperation. So in all honesty it's not the holiday itself that I dislike - it's what it has become and what it has been for hundreds of years.

Joyishness

How can I lose focus so easily? My prize is in Heaven yet I live like my prize is here on Earth. I live most days lukewarm tossing God the left overs. Lately I have had a problem with joy - not a person and not the feeling of emotion but the state of being. A friend told me recently;

"although happiness is great, it doesn't matter. joy is what matters. and having joy in the midst of whatever life throws at us is hard, but with Christ it is always possible."

1 Peter 1: 6-7 says: "In this you greatly rejoice though now for a while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

James 1:2-4 says: "Consider is pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Of course things are going to be tough. Being a Christian doesn't make all situations peachy. But being in Christ, trusting in His promises and resting in His care should give me a joy that is so deep and pure that nothing can distinguish it.

O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.

~ A.W. Tozer in the Pursuit of God

Sound of Music

Have you ever listened to a song at least a hundred times and on that one hundred and first time the meaning totally hits you, that you find yourself hanging on every word. A week ago Sunday it was the song: Hungry (falling on my knees) by Joy Williams, this past week it was Spoken For by MercyMe.

I have been so overwhelmed lately with school and basketball and I think it's mostly because I am so unorganized that I can't focus and prioritize my life and duties in such a mannor that I can truely get anything accomplished. I am definately my worst critic too, which doesn't help.

I lead on that everything is fine, when I truly don't remember the last time I was genuinely happy for longer than a couple hours. I don't sleep at night, because I keep thinking about all the things I didn't get done that day and the things I need to do the next. My neck is so stiff because that is where I carry all my stress; in my neck and shoulders. Mom is so worried that she thinks I need to go to a counselor or a shrink to talk about my life, since I don't talk to anyone else. I don't talk because no one listens, no one understands because no one knows. It's not just school that's bothering me - infact if anything that's the least of my worries, I just amplify it to thrawt issues going on in my personal life, with my friends and family.

I'm finding that inspite of all this, all the crap that happens in the day, all the stress, tasks left unfinished, arguments with mom, what have you - if I recenter myself around the Cross of Christ: I'm home. I enter a place where everything around me blurs and slows down. Where I find rest and comfort and peace and joy. All that really matters in life is God, telling others of the Good News and living life for the Glory of God in everything I do.

falling

Held so high
I touch the sky with all the boasting
My heart’s grown heavy
The praise now empty
The ground beneath my feet is shaking
I fall
The sting of hard ground is reality
Hits me harder as I hit it
I shatter and break
The appraisers scoff saying I let them down
But their bar was too high
Unbalanced I stood
Till I could stand no longer
I stand no longer before them
For they are my counsel no more